THE bum’s hEre

"Will you walk a little faster, said the whiting to a snail. There’s a porpoise close behind us and he’s..*something something* on a trail. See how eagerly the tortoise and the porpoise all extend. They are waiting on a shingle will you come and join the dance."

"Will you won’t you will you won’t you will you won’t you join the dance."

Ok, my fingers got confused typing out the last part there. *haha*. Sigh, I miss blogging. Not like it’s been that a long time but feels like ages. Prob cause i’ve been so busy busy these days. Helping dad with his business, it’s the peak time now as there’s so many convocations going on, currently UITM.

Oh and that song above, (yes, it’s a song) it’s from Alice in Wonderland. I really like Disney’s song, they’re so cool. I think i actually wrote a blog bout that like, two years ago. It’s still somewhere here i think. And ppl, don’t scoff. Disney’s song are soooo much better than those stupid, stupid songs with meaningless random lyrics from avrilfreakinlavinge or pussycatdollies.

Life’s a big hoo-haa now, it’s pretty interesting. I kinda like it now, but still somehow there’s a slightly heavy, dampened…part in my heart now. Its funny. I hv no idea what it is but, heck, buat bodoh je lar. Moments of weird-ass clarity comes by every few mins and i realize something new everyday n come up with a conclusion. But I’d forget bout it the next time I try to think bout it so shucks. I should be Roald Dahl.

We’re going to back to Terengganu for a family trip cum visiting relatives cum hols cum collection of papa’s Mykad. He’s so excited he’s a M’sian now. And he’s gonna convert all of us to Malaysianarism. Lol. Ok, we already hv that naturally in us but i found out i’d still be able to hv my S’pore ic WHILE holding formal papers stating that i’m a ‘warganegara’. I stay kat Selat Tebrau je lah. In the middle.

Senanglar dpt keje kat sini skarang. Dah bertahun aku dok sini takde PR pun. (You know how the system works here. There’s this Canadian dude if i’m not mistaken that applied for his PR n got it on his DEATH day. Can you imagine that. Thus, we didn’t bother)

Sigh, I’m growing up. I eat more than half my share, I sleep less and prob fart more, I’m driving, I actually make sure I get every single damn dirt off that frying pan, I yell at that effing dude who yells at me (well that’s no difference), I observe car number plates, I hv decent conversations with my dad without getting into an arguement, I wear my seatbelt as soon as I got in the car, I’ve learnd (almost) every nook and cranny of dad’s business, I ask more from Allah (doa longer) for the people out on the streets and hope they’re got something to warm their bellies, I’ve realised the mistakes I’ve done, and the worst part is I’m contemplating of putting my guard down and telling that yesteryear guy I’ve MADE A MISTAKE.

*GASPS!*

"HANNAH??? U MEAN HANNAH?? she’s ACTUALLY THINKING of admitting a mistake?!?!"

*checks time*

"You sure we’re not moving to another planet like that brainiac said we would yet?"

Seriously.I’m serious.

Lets hope that yesteryear guy won’t read this. Don’t worry, he’s not in my friendster. I’m completely oblivious in his life now.

But then *jeng jeng jeng* here comes my latest ‘weird-ass clarity’ moments. Ask yourself this ok. You want to tell someone something…but u know, u being u (or rather me, being me) made procrastination our soulmate and we…….procrastinate. But, what if (God forbid) something happens to that person or us, in forty mins time? Ok let me just put this in plain, simple faham-able English lar k. What the heck would you do if that person or you died in forty mins time from now?

(I don’t know why I put fourty mins, seriously. It’s the only number that came up in my mind then, it could obviously be the next second but u know..yeah)

So yeah, and you couldn’t get that msg across. He or she might respond with something good and you’d never know.

But then would you take the risk of being let down?

AH-ha. But as long as you know that’s better then being hopeful and confused forever right? *Waggles forefinger*

But then AGAIN why wanna create a mess out of nowhere? Why not just leave it as it is?

Because we wanna find out the TRUTH!

Ain’t I right ppl? Ain’t I right?

Gawd I don’t get half the crap of what I’m trying to say and I don’t doubt any of you could. Oh well, it’s ok, thanks for reading this anyway.

N oh yeah, I do hv Chocolate in my mouth.

P.S: What the heck is a whiting anyway?

A simple poem.

My Greatest Weakness is My Pride.

My Pride and I, we’re two in one

She’s my best bud, my other half.

She saves my neck from petty accidents

But she’s a real bitch when I’m getting comfortable.

Why do you say that? you say

She’s stolen enough ppl from me, I say.

She’s a bullshitting piece of junk when I’m happy

Hates sharing, she told me.

But I’ve got my own life, haven’t I?

My Pride won’t let me go, n sadly, so do I.

I need her but she’s more than a rotten betrayer.

She makes use of herself in the most disgusting behaviour.

She loves putting herself up front,

She loves being my priority.

I try to let her loose,

But she fucking won’t budge an inch.

She can be real nice at times you know,

especially when I need her most.

Like in awkward situations or when i feel a tad bit shy,

She puts her feet upfront and takes full charge.

I’m devoted to her for making me who I am now,

But I’m guessing she doesn’t know her limits.

I’ve got to let my guard down once in a while,

I can’t keep on kissing her polished feet.

I’ve hurt more than enough people

with she, being the third person.

I realise that (sigh), I’m not always the right one,

But She’s worse than Cruella Devil in a pig sty.

Sometimes Pride and Ego works hand in hand

Which makes me turn out to be the ultimate bitch.

They love what they’re doing, they adore their personal touch.

But I absolutely abhor their insidious tricks.

I guess for now it’s up to Soul,

To take Pride away from her ultimate goal.

She’ll always be with me, that’s a certainess

But unfortunately, my Pride is my greatest Weakness.

Fifteen Things That Hannah Would Never Be Able To ‘Quite’ Put Her Finger On:

1. Why men (not here, in another country *psst, sebelah sebelah*) wear super short shorts. It’s so short you can see everything. It’s not even halfway sexy if he thinks women find it attractive. It’s disgusting. *shudder* I’d rather see hell for a day.

2. Why is it then when the government’s already sediakan all the facilities to help lessen the burden of it’s rakyat like Touch N Go, these ppl still sanggup, sanggup i tell u, mengharungi the panas terik n hujan to PAY the toll? (The ones yang takde air- con lar….) Not to mention tekan minyak dgn break berkali-kali. Isn’t it a waste of time and petrol? I don’t really know the reason why but…pelik lar.

3. Why "Fresh N White" toothpaste would use a polar bear on it’s cover. Take lar a black ape or something. Or a bull. Then only contrast what.

4. Why all the Mak Datin’s n wives of all the big big ppl in M’sia LOVE big hair. It’s like the bigger the better. So kembang. You can lose a coin in there. Or mengeram a chicken’s egg.

5. Your week-old socks.

6. Why songs get stuck in our heads n it would just NOT GO AWAY. Especially the irritating ones.

7. Why people like to complicate things. Like songs, for instance. Everything now is metaphorical, so many paradoxes..between the lines crap. Stuff like, "By a freeway, I confess I was lost in the pages of a room, full of death…" Sigh. Back then, when we want to tell someone we love them, we’d dedicate songs like, " I miss u like craaaaaaaazy…even more than words can saaay…i MISS u like craaazy…every minute and everyday…" 

8. Why Tyra Banks has such white teeth. How does she DO that?! Oh wait, that can’t POSSIBLY be contrast right. LOL. She’s not dark. But seriously, it’s super white. u HV to observe next time.

9. A dead animal.

10. Ellen Degeneres’s cool. It sucks she’s a lesbo. SUCH a letdown.

11. How songs that hv lyrics like;

a) "So why can’t i turn off the radio.." (I just laughed. IM SERIOUS. The next thing i know it was the next popular thing. I just don’t GET IT)

b) "I’m sorry for….2004"

c) "Hey hey you you I wanna be your gf"

d) "Don’t you wish your gf was hot like me?" *snorts*

e) "SOS plz, someone help me.." (far by the stupidest)

f) "Somebody told me…that you had a boyfriend…that looked like a girlfriend…"

…..can be a major hit n stay on Hitz.Fm for like, 6 months. It’s crazy. No wonder I like Barbara Streisand.

12. How hot and stupid a guy can turn out to be. (Take Batista)

13. How not particularly attractive but oh my, a genius a person can be. (Take Undertaker)

14. How an animal can appear in a form of human. (Take Umaga) I mean, doesn’t he ever wanna get married? Or get a gf? Cuz he definitely ain’t going nowhere with that cheap facepaint and huge ass. Or that hairstyle for that matter. OR that moronic buat tak tau animal attitude.

15. I can’t stand indonesian stories. It makes the person watching it look like a fool. Merperbodoh- bodohkan the audience. N y, Y i ask, do the Malays LIKE watching it?

U know something crazy? U know at times when u tgh dok dlm some random coffee shop n they play all these weird weird chinese songs n when u actually pay attention to it…..it actually appears to be Reshmonu’s ‘It’s You That Matters’ or…maybe Ning Baizura’s ‘Awan Yang Terpilu’. Oh n i heard Karyn White’s ‘Superwoman’ in Plaza. It happens So many times, i swear the chinese music industry converts all songs available to their own version. Lol. It’s crazy. It seriously is.

I’ve never had a more happier week in my life. N i owe it to all my loved ones. My tersayang. My sayangs. My DAH-Leengs. *clears throat* N these are the reasons y *in phoney formal accent*.

1. I rode on a swing. We were at the KLCC park with Arlina, Waipz, Zaidi n Ah Tiong n before kena halu-ed by the short short security guard, i sempat main buai. Goodness, the happiness, the rush of adrenaline lasted till today. N that was two weeks ago ppl. I was ecstatic. It was pure bliss. Utmost, pure, carefree innocence. I almost forgot what ‘insecurities’ n all these conundrums occuring in the world could do to our fragiled minds. Sigh. Oh, for the call of innocence. I never lost my touch on it. I’ve got a lil bit of its ‘brilliance’ now, it rubbed on me when flying high on that swing. Ooh, bliss ppl, bliss i tell u.

2. Oh, n Ah Tiong tells the LAMEST jokes. We saw Angelina Jolie in Aquaria. N Brad Pitt. Although he looked a bit pale in the face :s I’ve never laughed so much in a long time. "Ah Tiong ah, UR THA MAN, MAN!!" *Toothy grin*

3. I just LOVE little kids. I adore them. I told me friends once that i wanted 12 but then that’ll be too much to handle right. So takpe, that one all can ‘pikiak’ later. Anyway i met this super-adorable girl from i-dunn0-what-country (mid-East though, definitely) called Maria n she has the most GORGEOUS auburn curls in her hair! like Maggi Mee but tons better. I approached her n her father (with really long, stright teeth n a nice smile) said ‘You can, you can carry her.’ At first she was real shy, she’s got her lil cute fingers in her mouth. TETAPI, dgn kuasa hannah (yg tidak seberapa) ttp memadai untuk mengusik hati budak kecil yg amat comel itu, she finally gave it *grins*. Now im planning to marry a guy with curls. instead of a bald one. But that topic shall be revered to later.

4. I passed my road test. I failed my bukit. Hey, i passed SOMETHING. I’m ecsatic, really. Beyond words.

5. Arif’s back for a week’s holiday. WOOT! i saaaaaaaaaaaayaaaaaang my bro.

6. I’m going back to E-R. i can’t wait. Bulan 8.

7. I played in the rain. N nenek didn’t scold but instead said," Oh..patutlar budak ni nak kluar…dia nak main ujan rupanyer.."

OK, that’s bout it I think. But it has been really a satisfying month from me despite the death of those 3 girls n not being able to see my darling baby Julez when she’s back from China, TWICE. But u know, after those death, ppl actually remember me n i get messages from ppl who i thought’ve deleted me from their lives. N there’s so much more ‘I LOVE u’s’ going around because "I just want u to know that Hannah, before anything happens to me, I really appreciate u as a friend n i love u so so much even though we haven’t been in contact for so long but i realised that i MISS u n that i feel blessed to hv u as a friend u’ve never stopped being a great person all these while n…." Well u know what i mean.

So the whole Klang is filtered with, now apparently, gratifying meaningful ‘I love u’s’ n i’m really happy for that. Really happy that finally ppl understand the value of life n friendship. I hope this lasts.

Sometime’s we need a tornado to knock the obvious down.

Sigh. U know i get ppl saying stuff like, "I’ve never forgotten HANNAH. Well, what i’d say in a one liner, u are an awesome friend. Not just to me, but that’s ur persona." (Thanx Janice, ur a gem of a friend darlin) Stuff like this make my day. I mean like, wow, there ARE ppl who actually thinks of me that way. I feel happy. Who cares if that dude thinks i’m a bitch or a slut but really, does he KNOW me well enough to comment me? *Gasp!* The NERVE of that despicable monster!

But you see, there ARE some ppl so made comments like, " Eh, do you really think Hannah’s a virgin?" Bloody fucker. Do i seriously portray that kinda vibe? I mean seriously. Lets put the anger to one side and take a step back. What hv i done to actually make these filthy thoughts go through ppl’s mind? How bad am i, do i seem to you that you hv to spat out these ‘ingenious’ thoughts u hv? U know ppl, i could’ve easily brushed it aside n think of it as a bad egg or something. U know, be positive n just tell the guy to go rot in hell or something. But it sucks u know, it sucks to know that i portray these kinda impressions to some ppl.

Oh what the fuck lar. He’s got a bloody lump of meat for a brain n that’s enough to make him a fucking liar. Let’s see where he ends up with a foul mouth like that. Bullshit.

N i sometimes wonder, am i doing enough? I mean, if i vanished tomorrow, would ppl actually care? Duh, temporarily, everyone would self-appointedly claim to be my best friend but seriously, would anyone actually REALLY care? I always wanted to make a difference. I’m not a brilliant doctor, i can’t even fix a computer together. I can’t sing very well, act, or dance. I don’t hv much great talents for me to brag n boast about. I’m just me n that will hv to be enough. N i really hope that maybe i HV made a difference when i leave this world. Just maybe i will not be forgotten. Maybe.

Sometimes u think about life too much u might be over-analyzing it. Then ppl will tell u to ‘Go With the Flow’. Another part would say ‘Think before u Act/ Say Something’. Life is so very the mafan. It’s wrong to think too much but when we don’t ppl say we’re callous to such things. Tsk. Make up your mind.

I think I’ll just go with my flow n stop trying to please others.

I’m having my exams tomorrow. Insya-Allah it’ll go well. I’m very happy where i am. I just feel like crying…. not breaking down. But crying because I hv such a great life. Crying because, if judging to what i’ve done in the past, Allah still cares for me n allows me to be…happy. To still hv ppl who love me. He’s not selfish. N im still imperfect. The past molds the present. I’ve got ppl who tell me i’m an ‘awesome friend’. I’ve got ppl telling me ‘i love u’ each n every single day.

I’ve got my swings to make me happy.

So when u hear on the death of 3 friends, what do you do?

Or rather, what’s your first reaction to such tragic news?

3 people left, 3 best friends, so close, so true,

You stopped- you tear- but you just can’t get it through.

Unbelivable isn’t it? God’s works. Reshween, Eswari and Koshe. 3 amazing people that stood out beautifully in Convent, Klang. 3 of my seniors left this morning in a car crash, after celebrating Resh’s 19th birthday in a club at Bangsar (if i’m not mistaken). How ironic. How painful for her mother. Their parents.

I’m not close as in, real close to these people but i know them well enough to know that… well, it’s just unexpected that God took them away from us so quickly. 19, ppl. 19. Hv u ever thought you’d leave the face of the earth when ur 19? Hv u? Well get a load of it, it happens. Resh was an ambitious girl, everyone in Convent knew that just by looking at her. She had confidence, determination was written all over her face. I guess to her, it’s a sorta do or die thing. (Not literally but figuratively…but it turned out literally) She’s a beautiful woman, woman i say as she does hv extremely matured features for her age. N her height. That’s right, she’s the model material. And that’s exactly what she wanted to be. She was Miss Convent in our school once and i guess everyone would agree she deserved it. She’s friendly, yes, even though she does hv a sort of upsnoot affair on her at first glance. Somehow, we’d always bump into each other at Pyramid or at some occasion or other. N i’d always see her with her longtime bf, Jagdip (He made it, still in the hospital). They’re both really lovable, a sweet, sweet couple, and we’d always smile in irony to each other, having being fated to meet up at really weird places, on really weird timings. But then she never fails to present a generous smile whenever we pass by, the eye- smiling one, not the teeth smile (that’s fake) and say, "Hi Hannah."

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"Goodbye Resh. We love you."

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Koshe- The noisemaker, the havoc, the hailer. You could hear her from the other end of school. She’ll be like, "YOOO WOMAN, HANNAH, DEI, YOU NEVER WASH YOUR SHOES FOR TWO YEARS AH WOMAN?" She’s lovable, yes. Sigh. Her laugh is contagious. She’s crazy. She loves to exaggerate, her mouth is like, lazer. She’s the ever cheerful person in the whole gang. She never fails to give me a (rather) hard smack on my back if i didn’t acknowledge her presence in a room.

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"I’m acknowledging your presence in my life, hun. I am, every single day now. LOVE u babes. *hugs*"

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Eswari- I’m unlucky enough to not get to know this woman well. But i know she’s one heck of a brainiac. A smart lady. Chitera’s older sister. Condolences to you and your family.

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I heard the news on their death this morning, when Sindhu called. I was shocked yes, but i couldn’t believe it at all. No way, 3 best friend lived for each other, died together? Amazing, courageous ppl, these souls are. But Krunz confirmed my thoughts when she sent a text.

My thoughts were all over the place. I wanted to imagine it happening but at the same time it’s not coming in. I wanted to imagine the times we had in ELDC together, the performances they performed for interact, I wanted to remember Koshe’s freakishly cackle, Resh’s smile…i was just so moved, so overwhelmed by the news. My arms were weak, i was shivering. My heart faltered. So young, so beautiful, so fast?

These ppl had huge plans for their future, everything was all set up. Seemed so perfect, isn’t it? So yeah, God IS the powerful one after all.

I may live to see your face today, but how sure you’re gonna see me smiling, getting angry, whacking you tomorrow?

So now, should we hold grudges?

Should we get angry at the tiniest mistakes?

Should we swear laconically at ppl and really, find out that (whoops), it Really happened?

Should we forget God’s there watching our every move?

Should we now, really live and appreciate every miniscule thing around us? Should we just treat life as a chore, should we now learn to endure other ppl’s mistake?

I dunno, you tell me.

Everything is easier said than done, yes yes, n i know the effect on this saying is wearing off faster than the bullet train in Japan, but maybe, just MAYBE you should really think twice bout doing or saying anything that might affect your loved ones or maybe just a mere acquaintance and leave you regretting it for LIFE. Why is it so hard to be just plain nice? Why izzit that we stupid ppl see nice ppl as weak ppl? Why are we such ignorant fools we don’t see the obvious things but rather, act smart and think we’re reading between the lines but truth be told, you’re messing up the initial thought of the whole thing?

R-E-G-R-E-T. I sure as hell don’t wanna live with a heavy burden in my heart. I’d rather not live.

Let’s put things right for now shall we.

Plz don’t drink and drive people. No matter how big the occasion is, your birthday celebration might just turn out to be the day we see your body lifeless.

Plz, don’t drink and drive.

Rest in Peace Resh.

Rest in Peace Koshe darlin.

Rest in Peace Eswari.

May God Bless Your Souls Up Above.

This blog is dedicated to the loved ones of these 3 souls. (Krunz, Kulaa, the whole crazy gang, their family, anyone who knows them) Be strong. I know you’re sick and tired of hearing these words again n again n i know you do appreciate them cuz it IS a huge loss to the world but God loves them more than we do. He has His reasons. It may be to teach us a lesson. It may be for us to live life well and not hold grudges. It may be a pattern for him to remind us that life is REALLY short and that He can take it anytime he wants. We each hv a ticking clock in us and time is definitely, inevitably running out.*Without a doubt*. I acknowledge a death when it happens, I acknowledge them and their absence in my blog. Anyone, anyone at all deserves respect when they leave their loved ones, no matter how much they screwed up, no matter how you think they were the ‘bad ppl’ in your life, when it’s time for them to move on to a whole new different zone. Even the ‘banduan’ has a meal fit for a king before his death. Somehow, I’m pretty sure there’s a pengajaran terselit somewhere in this whole affair. Lets hope ppl take note on the value of life now. It ain’t no joke.

"God won’t put us through things we can’t go through."

So if you think you can’t get out of it, even to get out of grief for a particular death, think again. He loves you and He knows you can do it.

First things first. I am SO proud to say,…………………………….*jeng jeng jeng*…………………………….. that i can drive. *nyehehe* :D  I mean, it is a difficult feat I hv succeeded after many, many demeaning, self-mind-injecting visions of pain n horror n fear. (Ok, that was exaggeration) But even though i haven’t taken my test yet, (Q.T.I pun belum) *nervous laugh* …i’m still pretty confident bout this whole driving thing. If only the lorry drivers in Kapar slow down a lil bit. They’re very intimidating. Me, in a kuchi kancil n this big monsters that act as my shade from the cahaya matahari yg panas terik when sebelah2 kat traffic light. Fuiyoo, scary weih.

Anyway lets get started on the topic i’ve decided to jot,or in this case, type down for today. Crushes. More like ‘crush’ lar. *smiles* I’ve had a few (countable-with one hand) crushes in my younger days. Jarang i betul2 suka orang. Kalau ye pun it’s prob only cuz he’s seriously good-lookin or something. N when i say crushes it’s the guys i don’t end up with ok. (Oh wait, i DID end up with one- that in the end tak jadi jugak). But as i was doing my usual routine of browsing through the WWE site (I can’t BELIEVE MVP beat Chris Benoit. That’s just pure crap man.*tsk* menyedihkan.), Shermaine came online n we started updating each other….blah blah blah…………… UNTIL i found out that one of my ‘old-time’ crushes is IN HER COLLEGE.

*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!*

Excited-ness. Old time jitters. Old time crushes. Old flames. They just give u this effect eh?

I felt a lil giddy after all that shrieking n laughing in front of the comp. We started reminiscing the times where I’d stutter, appear like a helpless mad-fool in front of him. Yes, it was like those typical going all jelly-like on the knees ga-ga sensation u see in movies all the time *shrieks!* But it happened to me before. Lol. N till today i have never ever experienced that "bloodrushingthrougmyvainsnbrainsstoppedfunctioning" thingy again. Not even with the guys I used to go out with. I think its a once in a lifetime thing. U know.

So lets just jenguk2 balik sikit to a few years back. (Goodness, i’m actually giggling rekindling on this) I was 13. He, 14. I, short, chubby, really bad hair-do. He, tall, somewhat thin,(frame belum bentuk lagi maaah) nice hair, beaut eyes, Gorgeous smile, with a subtle goatee that completes the sexy look. He strides, doesn’t walk. Lanky ppl always do that. But u know, truth be told, he really isn’t that good-looking (if u don’t hv any feelings for him). Biasa je actually. But alah, u know lar when u like somebody…cinta monyet ke..puppy love ke…whatever u call it, when ur going through this phase, u really tak pandang the negative part of him. kan? It’s ok if he talks funny. Or if his ears tak seimbang or something. That’s y lah i katakan, cinta monyet is cinta yang paling the suci. NOTHING is wrong. Everything is exquisitely Perfect. Complacent to nature’s works. Wonderful.

Well ANYWAY, the ’spark’ triggered in the LRT. A bunch of us MC kids go back by the LRT cuz it’s right in front of the school. N i was standing n talking to one of my friends. HE pulak, was standing in front of me, talking to one of HIS friends. That time spark all tadak. It was sorta like, kenal muka only, but never talked to each other before. N i didn’t fancy him or anything, that time we’re both total strangers to each other. So there we were, two complete strangers, his back facing me…when suddenly *WHAP!* He turned back n said," Hi, I’m _________. N u r?" He stuck his hands out for a handshake n gave me this ABSOLUTELY TO-DIE-FOR boleh-cair punya cheeky grin. I just…froze for 2 seconds, shook his outspread hands n said ‘SHYLY’(!!), "Hannah". "Nice meeting you hannah," he smiled (AGAIN!). N of course i said, "Nice meeting you too _________." He smiled (again ok, again, i could’ve PENGSAN-ED there n then. It was sooooooooo beautiful, like the purest thing on earth) then turned back n talked to his friend. His friend smiled. My friend was smiling n was looking back n forth the whole time. She chuckled. She tried to control her laughter. My face was RED, ok, MERAH. (i Blush like, a tomato. Easily.)

N there u go ppl………bibit2 permulaan sebuah cerita cinta (monyet)

*Sigh………………………*

Lepas that scenario…. we did exhange glances, exchanged smiles. *:)* He was nice, a sporting senior. I started going out with this other guy for awhile. But a funny thing happened. Really ironical. It was break time, we had to go down the stairs to pegi canteen. It was just a 2-storey floor old building. Form two’s on the highest, form one’s below it. SO, I was on the way down, updating Shermaine on the day before’s events bout the current ‘bf’, n SUDDENLY, _________ came down from the top stairs n i caught his eyes n he caught my eyes n it was all like Hindi movie typa thing moment n then, n then, the most magical thing EVER occured, right there in the bustling stairs of MC’s old, run-down building. He S-M-I-L-E-D the most sexiest smile ever. He just…smiled. Aiyoyo…..Nak citer pasal laki lain pun all put-on-hold. Shermaine was damn ’syiokly’ listening to every word i was saying when suddenly i stuttered (breathlessly), "n then…..*gasp*…n then…*breaths in*…he….said…."

Shermaine (flustered): "What, Hannah, What izzit?! What did he do then?!"

She looked up. Sucked in her breath. N said. "OOOOOOhhhhhhhh"

By that time we reached down the stairs n he walked past us. He LOOKED BACK n I just..stood there, opened mouth. Kids were pushing me aside but i was completely oblivious to the surroundings. I tried to smile back but i think i looked more like a gaping fish trying to breath out of water. When he out of sight, I jumped up and down holding on to Shermaine dear hands to retain myself from falling down. It was all heart-beating-furiously ‘DUP-DAP-DUP-DAP’ moment. I tell u, my jantung can terputus from all that abrupt excitement.

I didn’t eat lunch. I couldn’t. I had a freakishly lopsided smile the whole day in class, in the train, at home. Makan setahun pun takpe. I can LIVE with THAT kinda-gorgeous-drop-dead-almost-sinful…..ok hannah, ok, they GET IT already. But it’s hilarious. I tgh citer pasal laki lain n i get all giddy when another smiles at me. Apaaaa lar….

Yes but oh well. Crushes ARE fun to hv aren’t they? It’s not as heavy as love, u don’t hv to compromise or expect anything. A crush is the basic of all basic; fondness. No hopes, no order. No rules, no strings attached. No real tujuan. Plain ol’ safe happy excitable love. Of course u’d hope that the guy would notice u too. But the process is the fun part. As long as it doesn’t turn into obsession. THEN it’s not healthy. Kalau tak, go ahead. Get some realtime mind-boggling crush, if u happen to find a real good electrifying smile like I did lar. Haha. Hv fun. Loosen up. Smile in your sleep. Draw doodles, pencil his name on your textbook. Fantasize. The world won’t appear to be so mean after all

                               Start

"I was looking through some pics earlier on. Reminiscing on high school life. Trips with friends. Shopping Sprees. Old, dusty romances. Painful family afflictions. Bad hair days (literally). Responsibilities that are never to be. *laughs*… Broken hearts. Seriously lame jokes that makes u pee in your pants. Dress ups. Times when i ‘accidentally’ showed my vulnerability. (Oh, shitty embarassing, trust me. Not many ppl witness me tremble on stage) N the list goes on.. n on…n on.

Oh how i’d never change any of those.

Well ok, maybe some lar.

Like the bad hair days.

N the…….mistakes. (How ever would u describe that word in a……..guilty-less way? hmm? seriously?)

The words.

The mind, oh the wretched MIND!

The causes n the effects n the bloody fucking AFFECTED!

Oh, Praise to God, I’m still alive today.

Ok, did i sound like a guy who ripped open his victim’s intestines with his clawed, bare hands n brought them to the market to get it finally sold off to a near-sighted old lady who fed it to her 5 beastly bulldogs? Or no. Better still, chopped that dude’s ass up n buat sup ekor (ekor? hahahaha!) then present it to his new neighbour as a token of ‘Welcome ter duh neighbourhood, Pardnuh!?’ Naww…that’s too mild. I sounded like a black pitiful ape with huge red balls that eats his banana n vomit it out again to make it look like custard n lick the whole shit up again as a coup de grace.

EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

muahahaha!! That stinking sounds more ganas than sup ekor ’special’.

Urgh.

Im a parlous girl. I found out i hv a…perilous part of me, i would say, n when u hit that right note, perfectly THERE, I yank. I blow. I can kill. I admit it’s possible. Would U admit u had that in u? oooh..viciousness.

But yet i compromise too much. I know that because i haven’t really gotten anywhere for myself till today. Maybe i should start slamming my breaks . *screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!* n say "Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalt! Hold it RI-GHT there pretty lady. God’s got a que to ask you. Or rather, ur mind which connects to God. Now see here. WHAT do u WANT to ACHIEVE in life? eh?"

*bLANK*

I just bathed Iman n wrote this at the same time. I can multi-task if the tribal chief requested for it for the exchange of my life. Oh fuck, i know i can be a good mother. I cook i clean. I stay home n feed the rest. I’ll kill u if u touch any of my loved ones (That’s a promise). I get it so many freakin times from friends n acquaintances. Mom’s friends. Pandai jaga adik. Pandai tolong mak. Anak dara mestilah pandai masak, kalau tak malu. But sometimes i’m really sick n tired of hearing that. Sometimes i just feel …like a rancangan ‘tergendala’ u know. Sometimes i just want to be a selfish freakin bitch. I mean, how hard can it be? Or rather, how bad can it be? Sometimes i just wanna leave the house from all of my responsibilities n be that vigorous, prudentless ass that tak sedar diri, tak kenang mak ayah, tak takut idup mati, tak takut maksiat.

*silence*

Ok, NO. I take that back. It sounds waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much. TOO much.

Astaghfirullah-haalazim….

Oh, i dunno. Im just feeling wicked n shitty today. Watched ‘Meet the Robinsons’, bawak my adik-adik. Moral from Mr Walt Disney this time, ‘Keep Looking Forward’. Terasa. Oh yeaaah, terasa habis. Oh i’m turning into a freakin horse. Just shut up hannah, will u?

-

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Tsk.

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n STOP SWEARING u moronic asshole. It’s not u.

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P.S: I THINK i’ve got issues here. It’s freakin not fair. I thought it happens to only freakin 16 year olds. I’m 18. I control my thoughts.

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OK I know i do. I just need time.

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Oh to hell with words. Lemme just cry."

                              The End.

No, it’s not a story or whatever. It’s just random thoughts based on what i felt today that went through my mind. Everyone’s got issues n clearly, i have to get over some. I don’t know what’s happened but something’s definitely triggered my "i thought ‘controlled (or so)’" thoughts today. And I’m not blaming it on anybody. Sometimes Allah just wants to give a pat on my back n remind me that I’m human after all n that i do, n can, get hurt. He’s in control no matter how i want to think i own my life. Because i don’t. I’m just here for awhile. I’m a ‘temporary’. We all are. No point being angkuh, arrogant towards life n think U own the world, u own ur life. U own it because ur in your body n nothing more than that. Nothing. N ur body doesn’t last forever, it doesn’t. When ur soul’s still living, when u can think, when u function n still hv ur body, u own only an itsy bitsy teeny weeny part of the whole system. U own only a PARTIAL part of it for AWHILE. Thus, U make the most of life WHEN ur still alive n have that body of yours. Cuz heck, once it’s in the grave u ain’t goin nowhere else honey. Sometimes i don’t know what i’m compelled to do in this world. Whether i should please myself or others. What’s right. Or what’s wrong. N it’s nice to cry once in a while………….. But when i do, i wish emotions wouldn’t take me over. It makes me feel weak n perturbed. Distant. Hollowed. Bruised.

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I’ve allowed myself to show others my weakness now. I dare do so. I’ve exposed my troubled mind. There’s nothing to hide…or be embarassed about. U might react like, "OH!" It’s not a mere facade when I’m with u ppl. It’s me, truly. It’s just that sometimes i think it’s not worth burdening others for what u hv to tanggung for yourself. Oh honey, i’m not made of steel.

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I’m Just ….Hannah.

Its has been a while. oH yes, it has. Maybe cuz i’m still on cloud 9 after the trip. Heck, Selai Endau Rompin is absolutely GOR-GEOUS. Just fantastic, really. Wonderful. Beautiful. Amazing. Those 5 days were the most fulfilling days of my life. (Beats hugging n getting chester’s autograph-really) I’ve never felt so in tune with myself, so problem-free, so indolent…… *pauses*……i had no worries on my mind, no qualms, whatever. I dissipated into another world, i left out all my responsibilities n priorities. I just felt so peaceful. So at ease. So comfortable. Never once did i thought of classes, my past, friends or ANYTHING for that matter. Just me n God’s grace.

I met a lot of wonderful ppl n got myself another set of ‘parents’. N u wouldn’t believe it, but my bapak angkat’s an orang asli wei. lol. Can imagine him waking me up at freakin 5 am to cook for him just cuz i told him i could? tsk tsk.

But they’re amazing, truly. I’ve never met such worry-less, amusing, contented, just………happy ppl in my life. Makes me feel like i’ve missed so much on the quality on ‘life’ itself. They say that most ppl only realize n feel the contentment of living when they’re on a rocking chair. True.

The South Africans were alrite though, pretty bratty if i could add. Rich kids. Not that open minded when it comes to food. (Since we eat a LOT of rice) They could live with coke in the jungle. Just give them that n they’re more than happy to make you their temporary best friend. Seriously. But some of them r absolutely wonderful, like Zahraa, that tiny 9-year old girl u c in my primary pic. She adoringly lovable n the most manja-ed girl i’ve ever met. Tp pandai pulak. Mulut budak kechik2 kat sana tuh….amboi…bukan main lagi kalau nak hentam org eh. Her 4 year old brother’s real adorable. Hussein. But that’s where the good part ends. His MOUTH. aiyoyoo….dei…mcm tgh ckp dgn org tua pulak. Tsk tsk. *shakes head*

N the most intriguing part is, i slept under the stars. It’s getting lighter night-time now, if u guys realized, cuz the moon’s out. N it’s like whenever i open my eyes i can c the stars n the gorgeous moon. It’s an open air hut right beside the river. Directly beside it. I slept to the sounds of the river every night……. I seriously couldn’t ask for more, i’d be a selfish beast if i were to do so. It’s….okay, this is gonna sound damn corny but the only word i can use to describe this would be ‘undescribable’. N THAT would be an understatement. No, i’m not exaggerating. The river’s actually CLEAN PPL, clean! (As opposed to our disgustingly, contaminated, full-of-shit Klang river we hv here. The ‘life’ in it DIES or chokes to death ATTEMPTING to make a living in there!) N u can c loadz of fishies in it. When u sit on the log beside the river n just rendam ur feet in it, u’ll feel the fishes tickling your feet. Oh its wonderful. *smiles* Waseela started drawing n all i could do was to serap all the sights n sounds whenever im not busy chasing the kids around from playing in the water all the time. N of course, i mandi sungai everyday lar… ;D Whoa, damn SYIOK man!

The water, it’s divine ppl, just DIVINE.

I felt the difference you know, of being there n coming back here. City life n ppl in the forest. You’d KNOW who’s happier. You’d realize instantly who’s more comfortable, contented, at peace. You’d look at them enviously for leading such a carefree, simple life n seriously, they don’t NEED money. Such simple-minded ppl. In a good way, of course. The hv everything naturally, for free. We were really deep in, had to use a couple of 4-by-4’s to go in. Rough journey, passed 5 kampung orang asli’s just to get to the place. But oh, was it worth it! The moment i stepped in Malacca though, (they wanted to do some sight-seeing-n shopping of course) i felt the pressure, the tensed atmosphere. The hubbub of the city, the noise, the….absence of tranquility. Ugh, it was so uber-yucky. Sungguh tidak men-desirable-kan. So it was then n there itself that i thought, "Heck, these dudes n morons that go on chasing wealth n so-called ‘comfort’ r pretty sesat weih. Kesian." Not that im discouraging u to do so. But….well i wouldn’t know how to explain it but try getting away from all things ‘fake’ for awhile. U know, no hps, i-Pods, laptops for a day, just u n God’s natural, most original works. The clean air ppl, i could BREATH without covering my nose. (ok, that was exaggeration=:D)

N no, that uPapa machine or the other one-where u sit on it n u go tumbling or rather, try to stay in place when it juggles u on the chair, that horse thingy- won’t make u slim down. Try jungle trekking. (The thingy that juggles u makes u look like an arsed-perv anyway. It just looks DISGUSTING.)

"I’ve yet to read an obituary that says, "He died peacefully in his sleep surrounded by his lawyer, his stockbroker and his accountant."

I got a couple of leech bites of course, but it sucked out all my dirty blood anyway. N i played in the rain. Did night walking. Walk-about in the kampung orang asli. Fresh-water survey. N loadz of other stuff. Besides Endau Rompin we were at Ulu Gombak n Kuala Selangor too. Batu Caves n saw the fireflies. Beautiful.

Selai-it’s just an Intensely Personal Experience. I’m definitely going back there one day.

"The paradox of our wired world is that as we become more connected electronically, we become less connected emotionally."

The others were just pretty inadvertent bout the whole thing. Some of them couldn’t wait to get back to their 5-star hotels. They were seriously out of their comfort zones n were obviously uncomfortable about it. N in that short 1 hour period of time we stopped by Malacca, Mohammad Yassin got his ears pierced, Waseela bought this whole set of hair curlers, straightener-whatever style u wanna do with your hair lar, Khadijah n some other girls got heels n clothes. Even Zahraa got herself a pair of jeans. Oh God, i didn’t do any shopping just layaning n translating around for them. tsk tsk.

BUT alhamdullilah, they DID realize n sort of felt good being around so much natural greenary *aaamin*. We were on the way out from the jungle n everyone was playing about with the radio in the jeep, which connects to the other jeeps n suddenly, i heard Mohammad Yassin’s, Mansur’s n Mohammad Amin’s voice thanking their Muallimah’s for taking them to this trip for they Did learn to appreciate what they’ve got back in South Africa. N -this thing really touched my heart- they started to say the al-Fatihah together, doa-ed, n did the zik’r dgn nama2 Allah. I actually teared. Like hey, these dudes aren’t so bad after all. Bratty they may be, mischievious, rude n bloody irritating even, but heck, they’re good ppl.

Then again…maybe God’s leaving that for us, to find peace once we’re successful n got tired of the current state of this already messed-up world. U know, go through all this bullshit nonsence before we get the best n to really treasure Allah’s creations. I’m doing that now, but at the same time, gotta hit myself with a reality check once in a while that somehow, i’m a ‘budak bandar’ n i gotta earn a living wei! I’ve got a family to look after, studies to finish up, help the unfortunate with all i hv, stand up for my rights in this fucked up world before i really get in tune with nature. Sigh. Can’t wait.

N some of u guys might notice that when i mention names in here, i state out their full name. That’s because in Pittoria, the Muslim community there do mention their full names in the correct manner n pronunciation. Unlike our Malays here, when Azlan becomes ‘Lan’ n Batrisyah becomes ‘Bat’ or ‘Isyah’ or something like that. I find it ridiculous. Most of our names has a meaning behind it n i’m quite, quite sure there’s no meaning for ‘Ika’. My parents call me n my sibs by our full name. N they dun call me ‘Hannah’, but ‘Nur Hannah’. I mean, ‘Hannah’s’ fine, but when it comes to ‘Han’ or ‘Nah’, that’s just crap wei. I just tend to buat bodoh. Isn’t ‘Hannah’ short enough already?

Anyway it’s been a long post. My eyes are already halfway down to Slumberland. Chester has adoringly beaut eyes. (n he smells nice)hahah.

"Where the forbidding becomes beautiful"

Oof. Something must be wrong today. The world isn’t aligned to the way my mind works. Or maybe I’m just seeing cicak kobeng’s wherever i go. I’m sure my contact lenses r in the right place. I didn’t switch them, that’s for sure…………………(I think). But whatever it is, something MUST be wrong. I was entertaining myself to a game of solitaire (it makes me happy) n well, i lost 6 games in a row.

N weih, I’m the champion of all champions in SOLITAIRE WEIH!

U know sometimes u got that feeling, instinct, naluri or whatever term u call it that today’s not gonna be a very ‘fulfilling, happy, puas-ed no matter how hard u try’ day for u? U know they say optimists (fyi: I do, regard myself as one, Don’t bloody snicker ppl, it’s just plain rude) r ppl who r constantly in a state of denial n ok lar, a bit of truth in it, but ignorance in a bliss n blah blah blah. Too much idioms kill wei, u hv so much to choose on which to abide by it. It makes me go crazy. I think i’ll die contemplating ‘My life’. tsk. But sometimes reality DOES sink in n I felt something inside me trigger this morning. Like u know, a conscience button that just literally banged itself on my jantung’s tulang rusuk "BANG!BANG!BANG!" gitu.

nasib baik tak dapat heart attack.

Anyway blame it on the PMS (don’t we ladies ALWAYS use that advantage as an excuse? hahaha…it’s true. like i mean, Seriously). N nowadays i hv this urge to strip naked n stand on the padang in front of my house singing ‘All My Life’, KC and Jo jo. U know all those soulful RnB’s that makes u smile like a dopey sheep when ur in love N at the same time makes u wanna puke ur insides out when ur single n bitter. Well I’m neither. If (eventually) diagnosed, plz tell me what it means when u feel like doing so. I know it’s not normal. (chorus of *DUH*) My ingenius mind has yet to form its conclusion on these sorta things. I’m just too busy.

N i find myself getting lost in thoughts nowadays. Literally, it’s killing me. Don’t be surprised if u catch me glassy-eyed, staring at the dude with blue hair (cuz really, i’m not staring at him, i’m just lost in thoughts). Bodoh-ly enough, i won’t be able to remember what goes through my mind. N probably the next ten mins or so I’ll be staring at the woman with a huge paunch. Eh, dude. Kalau woman tu pregnant lar. But u know i mean, that’s the case with me these days.

Lol, i think i need to see a therapist. And to think I’m doing psychology for life. I really think the ‘reverse psychology’s working on me now, i’m turning into a psychopathic patient myself.

Hannah…hannah….

Which reminds me, I’m gonna be a brand. Yep, my name . *grins cockily*. Seems it has commercial value in it, according to papa. So now, I’m  plaque. Dad does this plaque business for uni’s n alhamdullilah, it’s doing pretty good. Check out the bag.

Ok that came out tiny. Lol. N it’s just the artwork, not the bag itself.

Karyn White’s ‘Superwoman’ is good.

U know what’s the effect of the government doing’s, forcing us to at least take ten some-yg-memang-tidak-munasabah subjects like EST? Pythogoras was able to formulate his theorem because Gandhi’s doctrine of a civil disobedience keeps King Thibaw of Burma busy in the states. Does it make sense? Exactly. My Point.

N we only go to school for half a day. Ten subjects. Half a day. N i haven’t even mentioned P.E n all that crap. Do u seriously THINK that what u teach, (or attempt to) can get adjusted right in our mind for half an hours to fourty mins lesson? Then the next teacher comes in n *POOF*, persamaan kuadratik’s gone n we dissipate to a new world of Plato n Socrates.

Memang tidak masuk akal langsung. Hah, literally pun memang tak BOLEH nak masuk akal.

So i hv decided that when i marry the future prime minister of malaysia, i will also become the ministry of education. Hell, we’ve got a LOT of systematic editing to do here. *shakes head, tut tut*.

Starbucks is good. I’ve been spending half my life there rotting with a hot grande caramel macchiato in my hands n a good book. Robin Sharma, omg, u guys should read it wei. As what Aure would say, ‘genius’s work’. He makes ppl sound stupid. Like we’re retarded or something. God, he knows how to LIVE. PLUS, he’s BALD. oooooh…..hotness….

He’s divorced btw, turning 40 soooo……..yeah. Eh, he likes Starbucks too u know.

But …*nervous laugh*..i HV been looking a bit on the UP- size lately. I think i’ve been consuming too much creme. So now i’ve switched to umm….hot chocolate. or Frupps. hahaha. Aiyah, olang kata idup mau senang, itu pelut pun senang maah…..

Oh yeah, another thing. (tak abis abis lar hannah oii..) I hv this other urge. Weird instances for me to swear. Sometimes i just feel like going….ok, get ready.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Like, that u know. No, not the way Russel Peter says it. *HEE-HAAAW* *rolls on the floor laughing* But the one where u stress out ur vowels, real thoroughly. N after i say it under my breath, I’ll feel like a newborn baby.

hahaha…..

Maybe i should practise voodoo or something. *nyehehehehe*

Anyway do hv a great day. I hv yet to take my shower n i stink worse than an old leftover combat boot that’s been sat by a cow that just farted.

*fuh*

I’m happy. I’m really, really happy today (even though papa woke me up at 8 by yelling from downstairs). *hmph* . Gary came over last night to discuss the programme n details I was about to be going through when fascilitating a programme in Endau Rompin. *AWESOME-NESS!!!* I haven’t been in touch with nature for quite a while n truth be told, i miss it like hell wei. The last trip was under Earthwatch 2 years ago. Check out the site, i had an incredible time catching bats in the middle of the night in Krau. http://earthbound3.earthwatch.org/

Even though this trip will be ten times more comfortable n undulating if compared to the ones i went before, nevertheless, i would take my time n embrace Mother Nature as much as i possibly could. For God knows when I’ll be able to do this again.

The participants are from Al-Ghazali College from South Africa, age ranging from high school to college students to the odd one or two parents who r so extremely over-enthusiastic (lol) about the programme they decided to tag along. No doubt, i hv a feeling it’ll be a highly interesting programme for this bunch of people. It’s a Tropical Ecology Field Course to Malaysia 25 March-1 April. Well that’s what it says on the itinerary. Hahaha…Insya-Allah it WILL turn out that way.

It says so much on the programme, ’so very the many’ fun-sounding, interesting activities but i think i’ll elaborate more in it AFTER it ends. Then i can bagi tau all my experiences one shot. THEN only Syiok!

I started being really in tune with all these environmental awareness issues when i met Gary. He’s an awesome dude, i got to know him for 9 years already, since i was a lil puny kid of 9. When he was a bujang, till he got married with two adorable offsprings now. In a way i got to know him when my family migrated to M’sia lar. If i were to still be in Singapore, i wouldn’t give a rats- ass about the current environment issues we’re facing. I mean, 99% of the country is spreaded with a cemented jungle. Seems to me lar. What do THEY know about nature n environment? They’re building up skyscrapers n mega-tech building after building. I mean, my gramps’s flat over there gets a new coat of paint every 5 years! Good thing really, it makes everything looks new cuz the flat is almost 20 years old, but now they’re adding extra lifts, and an extra space for old timers under the flats. Tempat org tua2 dok sembang ah…lengkap dgn couch, tv, rocking chair, player sume tau.

They just would Not stop building everything! I mean, i came back here for awhile n two weeks later when i return, there’s a rotten office under the flat that looks more like a cell for it’s workers. Tsk. SO uber-ugly. They hv shades to connect the flats together, even though they’re what, 5 meters apart? All my sibs n i could mutter was, "Pampered Singaporeans…" Tak sedar pulak we were once like that. hahaha..*smiles nervously*

N the only green things? Oh, of course the hv trees lined beside the pavement but u can’t even look up expecting to see the sun, lemme tell u THAT. Oh, n my gramps DO plant plants, so that kinda helps.

So in a way i’m extremely fortunate i was some sort ‘forced’ to come n live here. I didn’t like it at first, so did my other siblings. N us that time, even though only a mere 4,6,8 n 10 year old sombong Singaporeans we were, we did sort of ‘looked down’ at our neighbouring country. Initially, yes. I admit that. I mean, u guys actually hv the SAME type of uniforms? An ugly blue, i must say. (I ended up wearing it also, was at a government school for half my sec education) Over there, each school has it’s own uniforms to represent diff school. The whole family was at one point a stuck-up kiasu singaporean. Typical.

But then..like every other ’stuck-up sombong-fied kiasu tak abis-abis’ Singaporean who migrated to M’sia…heyyy…it’s not so bad after all. We settled down, got used to it, loved it in fact. Boleh tahan. Lagi best. Singapore slang all gone, i don’t use "bedek" anymore, (which is tipu here), or lines like.."kenchang seyyyh.." or "gerek seyhh.." Goodness, our BM vocab there is terrible! :/ I remember using "cantik" there for everything whereas here, I’m proud to say i’ve expanded it thoroughly! Now there’s "lawa", "comel", "anggun", "ayu" n all that lar. *sooooo proud of yourself lar, hannah*

I’m not here to, u know, put in a few bad words bout my hometown, but i think i’m old enough to evaluate what is good n what is bad. There r some instances, some antics, some etiquettes, some comments n ‘deed’s done by the government that i do not agree on. I’ve been living here for 9 years, 8 years over there. Sort of half my life here n there. But what do i know when I’m only 8 right, u might say. Well i go back really frequently, practically every month as gramps’s n relatives r mostly there. So i sorta know what’s going on in the country, has seen it’s changes, the people n all. They’re so Americanized that when i saw it’s tagline "Uniquely Singapore" all i could do was laugh in a silenced cab out of irony. I mean, we don’t even know out ROOTS for God’s sakes, ur talking about UNIQUENESS?! *snorts*

I’m being mean, Oh God, i hope no one from the government reads this. Aiyah, what are the odds lar, it’s friendster. But overall, I don’t really criticize my country ‘kao kao’, I do agree that Malaysia has a LOT to learn from it. Service-wise, cleanliness (no doubt), professionality, facility, the cekap-ness, the promptness, practicality. C’mon, we’re still so bloody lembap, i get irritated at this country COUNTLESS times. But I’ve sort of gotten used to the style, I just shake my head n sigh n sigh n sigh again (like other woeful, pityful Malaysians. We hv to go thru this.) when the train stops abruptly or when the dude from driving test centre FORGETS to bring his bloody IC in order to log in to the comp for us to use. Not to the fact he came LATE in the first place. I mean, what the fuck? We’re ALL supposed to wait for HIM when WE’RE taking the bloody test? FOOL.

Tak sedar- sedar, it’s seriously giving a bad impression to other countries u know. I should know. My kiasu-ness as a Singaporean can trigger anytime n i start complaining like an amah at a market there. Sheesh. Seriously.

Like Pak Lah said, we’re in a country that gives world-class facilities with ppl that has a third-class mind.

Look, there are so many issues we hv to settle here, n i know, some of u after reading this hv PLENTY to say against what i’ve written, for i know that the ppl here somehow sort of look up to Singapore , especially the chinese. Yes, the chinese like practicality, fast-paced work, n all that Malaysia has yet to produce but i think we should all support our country. Instead of complaining, y not try change it. "aiyoh, olang melayu itu manyak lembap ah, gua tadak tahan. lu tengok it singapo, suma ada, service manyak bagus."

Some of u might think i’m contradicting myself when i say "support your country." You’d all think, "There, u only support Malaysia for what, olang asing." The thing is ppl, i’ve grown up here, the country has given me so much. I got my half of my primary education here, my full secondary education here, n currently am doing a dip course here. I represented M’sia at an International Children’s Conference in Eastbourne when i was 11, for the environment. I grew up here. N i want to give it all back, for i think it wouldn’t be fair for me to go back to Singapore to work. I’d feel bad. I hv been molded into a sort of Malaysian ppl, but remember this, i DO NOT forget my roots.

I still raya over there, i love the double busses (the double decker ones n also what we call, ‘the long long’ bus). The EZLink (similar to TouchN Go), everything’s made easy over there. It’s great, but i think the ppl there hardly ever slow down a little to just recap what’s been going on with their lives. The average S’porean changes his hp every 6 months, can u believe that? They’re such a controlled community, that when they hv concerts, it’s like "R U HAAAVING FUUUUUUUUUUN?!?!?!" reply : "YYYEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" -then abrupt silence.

My expression says everything. It was a mixture of bemused, wonderment, shock, n depressing at the same time.

I mean, C’MON! let GO ppl! No wonder Muse garnered so MUCH more attention here, im proud to say M’sians do know how to hv fun We dun give two cents bout what other ppl think, yet we still keep our etika2 negara at heart.

So i guess i’m a bit of cili padi dgn belacan. All campur-ed. N I decided to make full use of everything. Take the best of both worlds only, the buruk2 part all tak pandang. Its the same thing with schools, i’ve been to 6 diff schools up to my high school life n i’ve seen diff ppl with diff perceptions, the lawak bodohs, the attention-seekers, the melayu2 kind, the ones who’s too big for their boots. It’s up to me just help myself with the best.

Now im just trying to walk my talk. Hehe.

Anyway ppl hv a good day. No fuss, it’s not all mere luck, now go strut your stuff.

Hugs.