THE bum’s hEre

Listening to R.E.M (Everybody Hurts). Old songs make me go weak in the knees..Haha. I’m such an oldies freak. Simply adore ‘em. Songs that actually sings out tunes of painful truths everyone goes through everyday. Songs that drums the guitar with hurtful pleasure it fills you up with fulfillness so tender. We tend to forget sympathy and compassion..cuz we put our egos above anything else. It’s all bout being strong and making it. 21st century kan…..everyone’s an equal blah blah blah…stand on your own two feet and be independant. Work life out yourself, it’s all a challenge and no one’s gonna be bothered to look after your back anymore.

But still….I miss knowing I’d still have somebody to lean on to if I don’t make it. You know that old-school, retro-fied "I’ll be here whenever you need me", "We’ll be friends till the end", "I’ll pick you up whenever you fall" and all that corny crap? See it even sounds alien to me now! I mean, I know I’ll make it, that’s for sure (Insya-Allah). I have been doing it all by myself all these while. Being  streetsmart. But you know….Somehow I don’t want ppl to perceive me as weak when I take a step back just once in a while. When I take a breather and slump my shoulders. When I cry tonight. Does anyone care, anymore? Bother? Give two shits? Whatever you call it.

Where’s all that ‘lil bird flying it’s doggy friend that’s attached to a board on strings, flying it off to Never-Never Land or something like that?

"I’ll take the rain…"

Everyone’s so powerful nowadays…

"Everybody hurts…sometimes…"

We don’t allow ourselves to get hurt anymore. It’s all bout standing up and being strong, wiping those crystalised tears away and rising above our hurts.

But is it wrong to be human once in a while and let our tears…..just…flow?

Does it appear weak?

" I’m pushing an elephant up the stairs…"

" I’m looking for answers from the great beyond.."

I realise…. friends don’t tell me to "Let it go, Hannah..just go ahead and cry". Not anymore. Apparently it’s substituted with "C’mon lar woman, be strong. You’ve gotta handle this, it’s no big deal ok. This is nothing man."

Apparently crying doesn’t help you anymore because you appear weak. And you can’t possibly want to appear weak amongst your peers right. That’s just downright…ridiculous! It’s all about the IMAGE in town! IMAGE IMAGE IMAGE!

"Sometimes…everybody cries"

HAHA. I’m emo-ing (as Cass would call it) for no apparent reason. I’ve no reason whatsoever to feel emo-fied. But I am naturally a very emotional, sensitive, sentimental and…well lets just say I feel for things strongly, easily. It’s even in my name, "Hannah" means "kesayangan". Meaning "care" or "love". (Tgk, *all points finger to Mama and Papa*) So yes. Somehow this particular ‘characteristic’s’ built in me,uh..how do you say it…very deeply. *nervous laugh*

But I’m contented. Yes I am. Life’s full of it’s littlest pleasure, it is so generous with what it has to offer us. It’s awesome. Just gorgeous. Got back from a programme from Endau-Rompin, Peta. Ppl I handled were from the Curriculum Department Centre, Ministry of Education. Maths and Science Section. MUAHAHAha. THE exact ppl we, students, hv been cursing for the past 11 years of tormented school life.

But they turned out to be freaking sporting wei. Even the oldies!!You’ll hear the lamest, sickest jokes and they act up like lil kids it’s hard to imagine them being in charge of the school curriculum, confined behind computers everyday. Maybe it’s the time where they can actually ‘let go’. Oh the dramatism. There’s this group of men who made up a song for me. "Keroncong untuk Hannah", with a guitar. Punyelah LO-mantic. HAHAH.

Nice ppl…real nice. You can see they’re the type that works hard and plays hard. There’s a distinct touch of proffesionalism in them. Kept in touch with some of em. Even with this guy…….*smiles shyly*

AH well, I always meet great ppl whenever I go for one of these jobs. Even come across one or two ‘holiday romance’ or rather…’work romance’? moments. But not worth taking them seriously. I move around too much. Still.. It’s nice to know somebody regards you…differently.

I guess life is different for me. My peers go to college, party, meet new ppl, dress up, purchase newbies, hv crushes, rotate boyfriends, decipher what’s hot and not, image, image, image. Hmm. *pause* I never got through that stage. And probably never will. I’m too happy trekking in the jungle, pulling out leeches from my legs………….(No, I take that back. It can be pretty disgusting *shudder*), mandi-ing sungai, meeting new ppl from all walks of life on a regular basis, being close to God’s greatest creations, being loved with the ppl with the ’same kepala’ as I hv , and just being away from the city.

City life’s great. Temporarily. Don’t get me wrong, I’m brought up a city girl. Brought up with..well….not exactly a silver spoon in my mouth but probably close. Comfort’s around me everywhere. The basic necessities you know. I love shopping, I love going to the movies, SHOES, hanging out with friends, going mamak, SHOES, make-up, SHOES. I’m still pretty much your everyday type of girl. Typical. Loves flowers. The pathetically romantic type. But I do hv to retreat back to Mother-gorgeous-Nature every now and then. Just to remind me to be a ‘mediocre’ amidst all the technology, gadgets, and the fucked up community you confront and hv to layan with everyday. Everyone IS a mediocre whether you’re Bill Gates or Jabba the Hutt. Ur with the Asli’s when in the forest, adapt yourself. It’s so comfortable, they’re really the nicest ppl you’d ever meet. No one would bat an eyelid if I "duduk terkangkang."(Regardless whether I’m around the Asli’s or not lah) You stay up late drinking home-made teh tarik kurang manis surrounded by the natural darkness of the trees looming above your heads at night…hear the cicadas calling out love sounds to its mates, the elephants hurrumphed in intensity of finding a few good bamboos to chew on..the smell of fresh freedom..oh, that smell. If you could describe green that would just be IT. And when you look up, SubhanAllah, the skies! It was the first night when Gary came up the hall to where I was and exclaimed excitedly, "The sky is gorgeous tonight," his eyes lit up with excitement. And how right he was…I rushed out and looked up. And instantly all the breath in me was taken away for a moment or two. The millions, millions of stars were EVERYWHERE. You could see the freaking MILKYWAY!

My heart was thumping when I looked at it. I’ve never seen anything so…naturally, heart-rendearingly, mind-bogglingly, intensifyingly, wickedly, beautiful.

This is what Allah s.w.t has got to offer us. What hv we, humans, done to our freaking selves?

What corrupted nature have you let seep in your veins, ppl, what culture hv you allowed to fire in your hearts?

What pathetic views do you live by, what kind of faith, if any, do you speak of?

What dress do you wear? What words do you stutter? What nonsensical, discriminative, impertubable acts do you swallow?

What freaking savants do you follow?

Every once in a while I remind myself; the world isn’t getting any younger. And so am I. I think far, I know that. Too far, as most would proclaim for I am too young to think of such depressing random thoughts that seems to take away my ‘youthful happiness’. But I don’t feel that way. That’s just me. I love taking risks, I hv molded a pathway, a guide for me to follow but…yeah, all I can do is MOLD my future. No guarantee it would turn out that way. Everything is in Allah s.w.t’s hands. And whenever He puts me in the toughest positions, whenever I think He’s is being unfair to me, all I can think that makes me go through just one more step ahead of others is that "Allah won’t put me through things I can’t go through". Or else I’d die. Won’t I? I would’ve just died if He didn’t believe I could do it. He could take my soul away if it was just too painful for me to bear. There’s a reason why we’re still living even though He puts us through all kinds of misery and what might seems to be despairingly life-threatening, heart-breaking shits; because He believes in us. He knows we can do it. So why should WE melebih-lebih and lose faith in ourselves?

There I go again. Another long lecture. Muahaha. BEAR with me ppl. You know how ’scarily passionate’ I can be about ..whatever I care deeply about lah.

But I am compassionate, I overreact, and I stand for my rights.

I am not a follower, I am a leader. I do not to conform to other people’s ‘values’ just to be accepted.

I am, thus, me.

I am freaking proud of myself.