THE bum’s hEre

"Will you walk a little faster, said the whiting to a snail. There’s a porpoise close behind us and he’s..*something something* on a trail. See how eagerly the tortoise and the porpoise all extend. They are waiting on a shingle will you come and join the dance."

"Will you won’t you will you won’t you will you won’t you join the dance."

Ok, my fingers got confused typing out the last part there. *haha*. Sigh, I miss blogging. Not like it’s been that a long time but feels like ages. Prob cause i’ve been so busy busy these days. Helping dad with his business, it’s the peak time now as there’s so many convocations going on, currently UITM.

Oh and that song above, (yes, it’s a song) it’s from Alice in Wonderland. I really like Disney’s song, they’re so cool. I think i actually wrote a blog bout that like, two years ago. It’s still somewhere here i think. And ppl, don’t scoff. Disney’s song are soooo much better than those stupid, stupid songs with meaningless random lyrics from avrilfreakinlavinge or pussycatdollies.

Life’s a big hoo-haa now, it’s pretty interesting. I kinda like it now, but still somehow there’s a slightly heavy, dampened…part in my heart now. Its funny. I hv no idea what it is but, heck, buat bodoh je lar. Moments of weird-ass clarity comes by every few mins and i realize something new everyday n come up with a conclusion. But I’d forget bout it the next time I try to think bout it so shucks. I should be Roald Dahl.

We’re going to back to Terengganu for a family trip cum visiting relatives cum hols cum collection of papa’s Mykad. He’s so excited he’s a M’sian now. And he’s gonna convert all of us to Malaysianarism. Lol. Ok, we already hv that naturally in us but i found out i’d still be able to hv my S’pore ic WHILE holding formal papers stating that i’m a ‘warganegara’. I stay kat Selat Tebrau je lah. In the middle.

Senanglar dpt keje kat sini skarang. Dah bertahun aku dok sini takde PR pun. (You know how the system works here. There’s this Canadian dude if i’m not mistaken that applied for his PR n got it on his DEATH day. Can you imagine that. Thus, we didn’t bother)

Sigh, I’m growing up. I eat more than half my share, I sleep less and prob fart more, I’m driving, I actually make sure I get every single damn dirt off that frying pan, I yell at that effing dude who yells at me (well that’s no difference), I observe car number plates, I hv decent conversations with my dad without getting into an arguement, I wear my seatbelt as soon as I got in the car, I’ve learnd (almost) every nook and cranny of dad’s business, I ask more from Allah (doa longer) for the people out on the streets and hope they’re got something to warm their bellies, I’ve realised the mistakes I’ve done, and the worst part is I’m contemplating of putting my guard down and telling that yesteryear guy I’ve MADE A MISTAKE.

*GASPS!*

"HANNAH??? U MEAN HANNAH?? she’s ACTUALLY THINKING of admitting a mistake?!?!"

*checks time*

"You sure we’re not moving to another planet like that brainiac said we would yet?"

Seriously.I’m serious.

Lets hope that yesteryear guy won’t read this. Don’t worry, he’s not in my friendster. I’m completely oblivious in his life now.

But then *jeng jeng jeng* here comes my latest ‘weird-ass clarity’ moments. Ask yourself this ok. You want to tell someone something…but u know, u being u (or rather me, being me) made procrastination our soulmate and we…….procrastinate. But, what if (God forbid) something happens to that person or us, in forty mins time? Ok let me just put this in plain, simple faham-able English lar k. What the heck would you do if that person or you died in forty mins time from now?

(I don’t know why I put fourty mins, seriously. It’s the only number that came up in my mind then, it could obviously be the next second but u know..yeah)

So yeah, and you couldn’t get that msg across. He or she might respond with something good and you’d never know.

But then would you take the risk of being let down?

AH-ha. But as long as you know that’s better then being hopeful and confused forever right? *Waggles forefinger*

But then AGAIN why wanna create a mess out of nowhere? Why not just leave it as it is?

Because we wanna find out the TRUTH!

Ain’t I right ppl? Ain’t I right?

Gawd I don’t get half the crap of what I’m trying to say and I don’t doubt any of you could. Oh well, it’s ok, thanks for reading this anyway.

N oh yeah, I do hv Chocolate in my mouth.

P.S: What the heck is a whiting anyway?

A simple poem.

My Greatest Weakness is My Pride.

My Pride and I, we’re two in one

She’s my best bud, my other half.

She saves my neck from petty accidents

But she’s a real bitch when I’m getting comfortable.

Why do you say that? you say

She’s stolen enough ppl from me, I say.

She’s a bullshitting piece of junk when I’m happy

Hates sharing, she told me.

But I’ve got my own life, haven’t I?

My Pride won’t let me go, n sadly, so do I.

I need her but she’s more than a rotten betrayer.

She makes use of herself in the most disgusting behaviour.

She loves putting herself up front,

She loves being my priority.

I try to let her loose,

But she fucking won’t budge an inch.

She can be real nice at times you know,

especially when I need her most.

Like in awkward situations or when i feel a tad bit shy,

She puts her feet upfront and takes full charge.

I’m devoted to her for making me who I am now,

But I’m guessing she doesn’t know her limits.

I’ve got to let my guard down once in a while,

I can’t keep on kissing her polished feet.

I’ve hurt more than enough people

with she, being the third person.

I realise that (sigh), I’m not always the right one,

But She’s worse than Cruella Devil in a pig sty.

Sometimes Pride and Ego works hand in hand

Which makes me turn out to be the ultimate bitch.

They love what they’re doing, they adore their personal touch.

But I absolutely abhor their insidious tricks.

I guess for now it’s up to Soul,

To take Pride away from her ultimate goal.

She’ll always be with me, that’s a certainess

But unfortunately, my Pride is my greatest Weakness.

Fifteen Things That Hannah Would Never Be Able To ‘Quite’ Put Her Finger On:

1. Why men (not here, in another country *psst, sebelah sebelah*) wear super short shorts. It’s so short you can see everything. It’s not even halfway sexy if he thinks women find it attractive. It’s disgusting. *shudder* I’d rather see hell for a day.

2. Why is it then when the government’s already sediakan all the facilities to help lessen the burden of it’s rakyat like Touch N Go, these ppl still sanggup, sanggup i tell u, mengharungi the panas terik n hujan to PAY the toll? (The ones yang takde air- con lar….) Not to mention tekan minyak dgn break berkali-kali. Isn’t it a waste of time and petrol? I don’t really know the reason why but…pelik lar.

3. Why "Fresh N White" toothpaste would use a polar bear on it’s cover. Take lar a black ape or something. Or a bull. Then only contrast what.

4. Why all the Mak Datin’s n wives of all the big big ppl in M’sia LOVE big hair. It’s like the bigger the better. So kembang. You can lose a coin in there. Or mengeram a chicken’s egg.

5. Your week-old socks.

6. Why songs get stuck in our heads n it would just NOT GO AWAY. Especially the irritating ones.

7. Why people like to complicate things. Like songs, for instance. Everything now is metaphorical, so many paradoxes..between the lines crap. Stuff like, "By a freeway, I confess I was lost in the pages of a room, full of death…" Sigh. Back then, when we want to tell someone we love them, we’d dedicate songs like, " I miss u like craaaaaaaazy…even more than words can saaay…i MISS u like craaazy…every minute and everyday…" 

8. Why Tyra Banks has such white teeth. How does she DO that?! Oh wait, that can’t POSSIBLY be contrast right. LOL. She’s not dark. But seriously, it’s super white. u HV to observe next time.

9. A dead animal.

10. Ellen Degeneres’s cool. It sucks she’s a lesbo. SUCH a letdown.

11. How songs that hv lyrics like;

a) "So why can’t i turn off the radio.." (I just laughed. IM SERIOUS. The next thing i know it was the next popular thing. I just don’t GET IT)

b) "I’m sorry for….2004"

c) "Hey hey you you I wanna be your gf"

d) "Don’t you wish your gf was hot like me?" *snorts*

e) "SOS plz, someone help me.." (far by the stupidest)

f) "Somebody told me…that you had a boyfriend…that looked like a girlfriend…"

…..can be a major hit n stay on Hitz.Fm for like, 6 months. It’s crazy. No wonder I like Barbara Streisand.

12. How hot and stupid a guy can turn out to be. (Take Batista)

13. How not particularly attractive but oh my, a genius a person can be. (Take Undertaker)

14. How an animal can appear in a form of human. (Take Umaga) I mean, doesn’t he ever wanna get married? Or get a gf? Cuz he definitely ain’t going nowhere with that cheap facepaint and huge ass. Or that hairstyle for that matter. OR that moronic buat tak tau animal attitude.

15. I can’t stand indonesian stories. It makes the person watching it look like a fool. Merperbodoh- bodohkan the audience. N y, Y i ask, do the Malays LIKE watching it?

U know something crazy? U know at times when u tgh dok dlm some random coffee shop n they play all these weird weird chinese songs n when u actually pay attention to it…..it actually appears to be Reshmonu’s ‘It’s You That Matters’ or…maybe Ning Baizura’s ‘Awan Yang Terpilu’. Oh n i heard Karyn White’s ‘Superwoman’ in Plaza. It happens So many times, i swear the chinese music industry converts all songs available to their own version. Lol. It’s crazy. It seriously is.

I’ve never had a more happier week in my life. N i owe it to all my loved ones. My tersayang. My sayangs. My DAH-Leengs. *clears throat* N these are the reasons y *in phoney formal accent*.

1. I rode on a swing. We were at the KLCC park with Arlina, Waipz, Zaidi n Ah Tiong n before kena halu-ed by the short short security guard, i sempat main buai. Goodness, the happiness, the rush of adrenaline lasted till today. N that was two weeks ago ppl. I was ecstatic. It was pure bliss. Utmost, pure, carefree innocence. I almost forgot what ‘insecurities’ n all these conundrums occuring in the world could do to our fragiled minds. Sigh. Oh, for the call of innocence. I never lost my touch on it. I’ve got a lil bit of its ‘brilliance’ now, it rubbed on me when flying high on that swing. Ooh, bliss ppl, bliss i tell u.

2. Oh, n Ah Tiong tells the LAMEST jokes. We saw Angelina Jolie in Aquaria. N Brad Pitt. Although he looked a bit pale in the face :s I’ve never laughed so much in a long time. "Ah Tiong ah, UR THA MAN, MAN!!" *Toothy grin*

3. I just LOVE little kids. I adore them. I told me friends once that i wanted 12 but then that’ll be too much to handle right. So takpe, that one all can ‘pikiak’ later. Anyway i met this super-adorable girl from i-dunn0-what-country (mid-East though, definitely) called Maria n she has the most GORGEOUS auburn curls in her hair! like Maggi Mee but tons better. I approached her n her father (with really long, stright teeth n a nice smile) said ‘You can, you can carry her.’ At first she was real shy, she’s got her lil cute fingers in her mouth. TETAPI, dgn kuasa hannah (yg tidak seberapa) ttp memadai untuk mengusik hati budak kecil yg amat comel itu, she finally gave it *grins*. Now im planning to marry a guy with curls. instead of a bald one. But that topic shall be revered to later.

4. I passed my road test. I failed my bukit. Hey, i passed SOMETHING. I’m ecsatic, really. Beyond words.

5. Arif’s back for a week’s holiday. WOOT! i saaaaaaaaaaaayaaaaaang my bro.

6. I’m going back to E-R. i can’t wait. Bulan 8.

7. I played in the rain. N nenek didn’t scold but instead said," Oh..patutlar budak ni nak kluar…dia nak main ujan rupanyer.."

OK, that’s bout it I think. But it has been really a satisfying month from me despite the death of those 3 girls n not being able to see my darling baby Julez when she’s back from China, TWICE. But u know, after those death, ppl actually remember me n i get messages from ppl who i thought’ve deleted me from their lives. N there’s so much more ‘I LOVE u’s’ going around because "I just want u to know that Hannah, before anything happens to me, I really appreciate u as a friend n i love u so so much even though we haven’t been in contact for so long but i realised that i MISS u n that i feel blessed to hv u as a friend u’ve never stopped being a great person all these while n…." Well u know what i mean.

So the whole Klang is filtered with, now apparently, gratifying meaningful ‘I love u’s’ n i’m really happy for that. Really happy that finally ppl understand the value of life n friendship. I hope this lasts.

Sometime’s we need a tornado to knock the obvious down.

Sigh. U know i get ppl saying stuff like, "I’ve never forgotten HANNAH. Well, what i’d say in a one liner, u are an awesome friend. Not just to me, but that’s ur persona." (Thanx Janice, ur a gem of a friend darlin) Stuff like this make my day. I mean like, wow, there ARE ppl who actually thinks of me that way. I feel happy. Who cares if that dude thinks i’m a bitch or a slut but really, does he KNOW me well enough to comment me? *Gasp!* The NERVE of that despicable monster!

But you see, there ARE some ppl so made comments like, " Eh, do you really think Hannah’s a virgin?" Bloody fucker. Do i seriously portray that kinda vibe? I mean seriously. Lets put the anger to one side and take a step back. What hv i done to actually make these filthy thoughts go through ppl’s mind? How bad am i, do i seem to you that you hv to spat out these ‘ingenious’ thoughts u hv? U know ppl, i could’ve easily brushed it aside n think of it as a bad egg or something. U know, be positive n just tell the guy to go rot in hell or something. But it sucks u know, it sucks to know that i portray these kinda impressions to some ppl.

Oh what the fuck lar. He’s got a bloody lump of meat for a brain n that’s enough to make him a fucking liar. Let’s see where he ends up with a foul mouth like that. Bullshit.

N i sometimes wonder, am i doing enough? I mean, if i vanished tomorrow, would ppl actually care? Duh, temporarily, everyone would self-appointedly claim to be my best friend but seriously, would anyone actually REALLY care? I always wanted to make a difference. I’m not a brilliant doctor, i can’t even fix a computer together. I can’t sing very well, act, or dance. I don’t hv much great talents for me to brag n boast about. I’m just me n that will hv to be enough. N i really hope that maybe i HV made a difference when i leave this world. Just maybe i will not be forgotten. Maybe.

Sometimes u think about life too much u might be over-analyzing it. Then ppl will tell u to ‘Go With the Flow’. Another part would say ‘Think before u Act/ Say Something’. Life is so very the mafan. It’s wrong to think too much but when we don’t ppl say we’re callous to such things. Tsk. Make up your mind.

I think I’ll just go with my flow n stop trying to please others.

I’m having my exams tomorrow. Insya-Allah it’ll go well. I’m very happy where i am. I just feel like crying…. not breaking down. But crying because I hv such a great life. Crying because, if judging to what i’ve done in the past, Allah still cares for me n allows me to be…happy. To still hv ppl who love me. He’s not selfish. N im still imperfect. The past molds the present. I’ve got ppl who tell me i’m an ‘awesome friend’. I’ve got ppl telling me ‘i love u’ each n every single day.

I’ve got my swings to make me happy.

So when u hear on the death of 3 friends, what do you do?

Or rather, what’s your first reaction to such tragic news?

3 people left, 3 best friends, so close, so true,

You stopped- you tear- but you just can’t get it through.

Unbelivable isn’t it? God’s works. Reshween, Eswari and Koshe. 3 amazing people that stood out beautifully in Convent, Klang. 3 of my seniors left this morning in a car crash, after celebrating Resh’s 19th birthday in a club at Bangsar (if i’m not mistaken). How ironic. How painful for her mother. Their parents.

I’m not close as in, real close to these people but i know them well enough to know that… well, it’s just unexpected that God took them away from us so quickly. 19, ppl. 19. Hv u ever thought you’d leave the face of the earth when ur 19? Hv u? Well get a load of it, it happens. Resh was an ambitious girl, everyone in Convent knew that just by looking at her. She had confidence, determination was written all over her face. I guess to her, it’s a sorta do or die thing. (Not literally but figuratively…but it turned out literally) She’s a beautiful woman, woman i say as she does hv extremely matured features for her age. N her height. That’s right, she’s the model material. And that’s exactly what she wanted to be. She was Miss Convent in our school once and i guess everyone would agree she deserved it. She’s friendly, yes, even though she does hv a sort of upsnoot affair on her at first glance. Somehow, we’d always bump into each other at Pyramid or at some occasion or other. N i’d always see her with her longtime bf, Jagdip (He made it, still in the hospital). They’re both really lovable, a sweet, sweet couple, and we’d always smile in irony to each other, having being fated to meet up at really weird places, on really weird timings. But then she never fails to present a generous smile whenever we pass by, the eye- smiling one, not the teeth smile (that’s fake) and say, "Hi Hannah."

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"Goodbye Resh. We love you."

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Koshe- The noisemaker, the havoc, the hailer. You could hear her from the other end of school. She’ll be like, "YOOO WOMAN, HANNAH, DEI, YOU NEVER WASH YOUR SHOES FOR TWO YEARS AH WOMAN?" She’s lovable, yes. Sigh. Her laugh is contagious. She’s crazy. She loves to exaggerate, her mouth is like, lazer. She’s the ever cheerful person in the whole gang. She never fails to give me a (rather) hard smack on my back if i didn’t acknowledge her presence in a room.

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"I’m acknowledging your presence in my life, hun. I am, every single day now. LOVE u babes. *hugs*"

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Eswari- I’m unlucky enough to not get to know this woman well. But i know she’s one heck of a brainiac. A smart lady. Chitera’s older sister. Condolences to you and your family.

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I heard the news on their death this morning, when Sindhu called. I was shocked yes, but i couldn’t believe it at all. No way, 3 best friend lived for each other, died together? Amazing, courageous ppl, these souls are. But Krunz confirmed my thoughts when she sent a text.

My thoughts were all over the place. I wanted to imagine it happening but at the same time it’s not coming in. I wanted to imagine the times we had in ELDC together, the performances they performed for interact, I wanted to remember Koshe’s freakishly cackle, Resh’s smile…i was just so moved, so overwhelmed by the news. My arms were weak, i was shivering. My heart faltered. So young, so beautiful, so fast?

These ppl had huge plans for their future, everything was all set up. Seemed so perfect, isn’t it? So yeah, God IS the powerful one after all.

I may live to see your face today, but how sure you’re gonna see me smiling, getting angry, whacking you tomorrow?

So now, should we hold grudges?

Should we get angry at the tiniest mistakes?

Should we swear laconically at ppl and really, find out that (whoops), it Really happened?

Should we forget God’s there watching our every move?

Should we now, really live and appreciate every miniscule thing around us? Should we just treat life as a chore, should we now learn to endure other ppl’s mistake?

I dunno, you tell me.

Everything is easier said than done, yes yes, n i know the effect on this saying is wearing off faster than the bullet train in Japan, but maybe, just MAYBE you should really think twice bout doing or saying anything that might affect your loved ones or maybe just a mere acquaintance and leave you regretting it for LIFE. Why is it so hard to be just plain nice? Why izzit that we stupid ppl see nice ppl as weak ppl? Why are we such ignorant fools we don’t see the obvious things but rather, act smart and think we’re reading between the lines but truth be told, you’re messing up the initial thought of the whole thing?

R-E-G-R-E-T. I sure as hell don’t wanna live with a heavy burden in my heart. I’d rather not live.

Let’s put things right for now shall we.

Plz don’t drink and drive people. No matter how big the occasion is, your birthday celebration might just turn out to be the day we see your body lifeless.

Plz, don’t drink and drive.

Rest in Peace Resh.

Rest in Peace Koshe darlin.

Rest in Peace Eswari.

May God Bless Your Souls Up Above.

This blog is dedicated to the loved ones of these 3 souls. (Krunz, Kulaa, the whole crazy gang, their family, anyone who knows them) Be strong. I know you’re sick and tired of hearing these words again n again n i know you do appreciate them cuz it IS a huge loss to the world but God loves them more than we do. He has His reasons. It may be to teach us a lesson. It may be for us to live life well and not hold grudges. It may be a pattern for him to remind us that life is REALLY short and that He can take it anytime he wants. We each hv a ticking clock in us and time is definitely, inevitably running out.*Without a doubt*. I acknowledge a death when it happens, I acknowledge them and their absence in my blog. Anyone, anyone at all deserves respect when they leave their loved ones, no matter how much they screwed up, no matter how you think they were the ‘bad ppl’ in your life, when it’s time for them to move on to a whole new different zone. Even the ‘banduan’ has a meal fit for a king before his death. Somehow, I’m pretty sure there’s a pengajaran terselit somewhere in this whole affair. Lets hope ppl take note on the value of life now. It ain’t no joke.

"God won’t put us through things we can’t go through."

So if you think you can’t get out of it, even to get out of grief for a particular death, think again. He loves you and He knows you can do it.