THE bum’s hEre

First things first. I am SO proud to say,…………………………….*jeng jeng jeng*…………………………….. that i can drive. *nyehehe* :D  I mean, it is a difficult feat I hv succeeded after many, many demeaning, self-mind-injecting visions of pain n horror n fear. (Ok, that was exaggeration) But even though i haven’t taken my test yet, (Q.T.I pun belum) *nervous laugh* …i’m still pretty confident bout this whole driving thing. If only the lorry drivers in Kapar slow down a lil bit. They’re very intimidating. Me, in a kuchi kancil n this big monsters that act as my shade from the cahaya matahari yg panas terik when sebelah2 kat traffic light. Fuiyoo, scary weih.

Anyway lets get started on the topic i’ve decided to jot,or in this case, type down for today. Crushes. More like ‘crush’ lar. *smiles* I’ve had a few (countable-with one hand) crushes in my younger days. Jarang i betul2 suka orang. Kalau ye pun it’s prob only cuz he’s seriously good-lookin or something. N when i say crushes it’s the guys i don’t end up with ok. (Oh wait, i DID end up with one- that in the end tak jadi jugak). But as i was doing my usual routine of browsing through the WWE site (I can’t BELIEVE MVP beat Chris Benoit. That’s just pure crap man.*tsk* menyedihkan.), Shermaine came online n we started updating each other….blah blah blah…………… UNTIL i found out that one of my ‘old-time’ crushes is IN HER COLLEGE.

*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!*

Excited-ness. Old time jitters. Old time crushes. Old flames. They just give u this effect eh?

I felt a lil giddy after all that shrieking n laughing in front of the comp. We started reminiscing the times where I’d stutter, appear like a helpless mad-fool in front of him. Yes, it was like those typical going all jelly-like on the knees ga-ga sensation u see in movies all the time *shrieks!* But it happened to me before. Lol. N till today i have never ever experienced that "bloodrushingthrougmyvainsnbrainsstoppedfunctioning" thingy again. Not even with the guys I used to go out with. I think its a once in a lifetime thing. U know.

So lets just jenguk2 balik sikit to a few years back. (Goodness, i’m actually giggling rekindling on this) I was 13. He, 14. I, short, chubby, really bad hair-do. He, tall, somewhat thin,(frame belum bentuk lagi maaah) nice hair, beaut eyes, Gorgeous smile, with a subtle goatee that completes the sexy look. He strides, doesn’t walk. Lanky ppl always do that. But u know, truth be told, he really isn’t that good-looking (if u don’t hv any feelings for him). Biasa je actually. But alah, u know lar when u like somebody…cinta monyet ke..puppy love ke…whatever u call it, when ur going through this phase, u really tak pandang the negative part of him. kan? It’s ok if he talks funny. Or if his ears tak seimbang or something. That’s y lah i katakan, cinta monyet is cinta yang paling the suci. NOTHING is wrong. Everything is exquisitely Perfect. Complacent to nature’s works. Wonderful.

Well ANYWAY, the ’spark’ triggered in the LRT. A bunch of us MC kids go back by the LRT cuz it’s right in front of the school. N i was standing n talking to one of my friends. HE pulak, was standing in front of me, talking to one of HIS friends. That time spark all tadak. It was sorta like, kenal muka only, but never talked to each other before. N i didn’t fancy him or anything, that time we’re both total strangers to each other. So there we were, two complete strangers, his back facing me…when suddenly *WHAP!* He turned back n said," Hi, I’m _________. N u r?" He stuck his hands out for a handshake n gave me this ABSOLUTELY TO-DIE-FOR boleh-cair punya cheeky grin. I just…froze for 2 seconds, shook his outspread hands n said ‘SHYLY’(!!), "Hannah". "Nice meeting you hannah," he smiled (AGAIN!). N of course i said, "Nice meeting you too _________." He smiled (again ok, again, i could’ve PENGSAN-ED there n then. It was sooooooooo beautiful, like the purest thing on earth) then turned back n talked to his friend. His friend smiled. My friend was smiling n was looking back n forth the whole time. She chuckled. She tried to control her laughter. My face was RED, ok, MERAH. (i Blush like, a tomato. Easily.)

N there u go ppl………bibit2 permulaan sebuah cerita cinta (monyet)

*Sigh………………………*

Lepas that scenario…. we did exhange glances, exchanged smiles. *:)* He was nice, a sporting senior. I started going out with this other guy for awhile. But a funny thing happened. Really ironical. It was break time, we had to go down the stairs to pegi canteen. It was just a 2-storey floor old building. Form two’s on the highest, form one’s below it. SO, I was on the way down, updating Shermaine on the day before’s events bout the current ‘bf’, n SUDDENLY, _________ came down from the top stairs n i caught his eyes n he caught my eyes n it was all like Hindi movie typa thing moment n then, n then, the most magical thing EVER occured, right there in the bustling stairs of MC’s old, run-down building. He S-M-I-L-E-D the most sexiest smile ever. He just…smiled. Aiyoyo…..Nak citer pasal laki lain pun all put-on-hold. Shermaine was damn ’syiokly’ listening to every word i was saying when suddenly i stuttered (breathlessly), "n then…..*gasp*…n then…*breaths in*…he….said…."

Shermaine (flustered): "What, Hannah, What izzit?! What did he do then?!"

She looked up. Sucked in her breath. N said. "OOOOOOhhhhhhhh"

By that time we reached down the stairs n he walked past us. He LOOKED BACK n I just..stood there, opened mouth. Kids were pushing me aside but i was completely oblivious to the surroundings. I tried to smile back but i think i looked more like a gaping fish trying to breath out of water. When he out of sight, I jumped up and down holding on to Shermaine dear hands to retain myself from falling down. It was all heart-beating-furiously ‘DUP-DAP-DUP-DAP’ moment. I tell u, my jantung can terputus from all that abrupt excitement.

I didn’t eat lunch. I couldn’t. I had a freakishly lopsided smile the whole day in class, in the train, at home. Makan setahun pun takpe. I can LIVE with THAT kinda-gorgeous-drop-dead-almost-sinful…..ok hannah, ok, they GET IT already. But it’s hilarious. I tgh citer pasal laki lain n i get all giddy when another smiles at me. Apaaaa lar….

Yes but oh well. Crushes ARE fun to hv aren’t they? It’s not as heavy as love, u don’t hv to compromise or expect anything. A crush is the basic of all basic; fondness. No hopes, no order. No rules, no strings attached. No real tujuan. Plain ol’ safe happy excitable love. Of course u’d hope that the guy would notice u too. But the process is the fun part. As long as it doesn’t turn into obsession. THEN it’s not healthy. Kalau tak, go ahead. Get some realtime mind-boggling crush, if u happen to find a real good electrifying smile like I did lar. Haha. Hv fun. Loosen up. Smile in your sleep. Draw doodles, pencil his name on your textbook. Fantasize. The world won’t appear to be so mean after all

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"I was looking through some pics earlier on. Reminiscing on high school life. Trips with friends. Shopping Sprees. Old, dusty romances. Painful family afflictions. Bad hair days (literally). Responsibilities that are never to be. *laughs*… Broken hearts. Seriously lame jokes that makes u pee in your pants. Dress ups. Times when i ‘accidentally’ showed my vulnerability. (Oh, shitty embarassing, trust me. Not many ppl witness me tremble on stage) N the list goes on.. n on…n on.

Oh how i’d never change any of those.

Well ok, maybe some lar.

Like the bad hair days.

N the…….mistakes. (How ever would u describe that word in a……..guilty-less way? hmm? seriously?)

The words.

The mind, oh the wretched MIND!

The causes n the effects n the bloody fucking AFFECTED!

Oh, Praise to God, I’m still alive today.

Ok, did i sound like a guy who ripped open his victim’s intestines with his clawed, bare hands n brought them to the market to get it finally sold off to a near-sighted old lady who fed it to her 5 beastly bulldogs? Or no. Better still, chopped that dude’s ass up n buat sup ekor (ekor? hahahaha!) then present it to his new neighbour as a token of ‘Welcome ter duh neighbourhood, Pardnuh!?’ Naww…that’s too mild. I sounded like a black pitiful ape with huge red balls that eats his banana n vomit it out again to make it look like custard n lick the whole shit up again as a coup de grace.

EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

muahahaha!! That stinking sounds more ganas than sup ekor ’special’.

Urgh.

Im a parlous girl. I found out i hv a…perilous part of me, i would say, n when u hit that right note, perfectly THERE, I yank. I blow. I can kill. I admit it’s possible. Would U admit u had that in u? oooh..viciousness.

But yet i compromise too much. I know that because i haven’t really gotten anywhere for myself till today. Maybe i should start slamming my breaks . *screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!* n say "Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalt! Hold it RI-GHT there pretty lady. God’s got a que to ask you. Or rather, ur mind which connects to God. Now see here. WHAT do u WANT to ACHIEVE in life? eh?"

*bLANK*

I just bathed Iman n wrote this at the same time. I can multi-task if the tribal chief requested for it for the exchange of my life. Oh fuck, i know i can be a good mother. I cook i clean. I stay home n feed the rest. I’ll kill u if u touch any of my loved ones (That’s a promise). I get it so many freakin times from friends n acquaintances. Mom’s friends. Pandai jaga adik. Pandai tolong mak. Anak dara mestilah pandai masak, kalau tak malu. But sometimes i’m really sick n tired of hearing that. Sometimes i just feel …like a rancangan ‘tergendala’ u know. Sometimes i just want to be a selfish freakin bitch. I mean, how hard can it be? Or rather, how bad can it be? Sometimes i just wanna leave the house from all of my responsibilities n be that vigorous, prudentless ass that tak sedar diri, tak kenang mak ayah, tak takut idup mati, tak takut maksiat.

*silence*

Ok, NO. I take that back. It sounds waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much. TOO much.

Astaghfirullah-haalazim….

Oh, i dunno. Im just feeling wicked n shitty today. Watched ‘Meet the Robinsons’, bawak my adik-adik. Moral from Mr Walt Disney this time, ‘Keep Looking Forward’. Terasa. Oh yeaaah, terasa habis. Oh i’m turning into a freakin horse. Just shut up hannah, will u?

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Tsk.

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n STOP SWEARING u moronic asshole. It’s not u.

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P.S: I THINK i’ve got issues here. It’s freakin not fair. I thought it happens to only freakin 16 year olds. I’m 18. I control my thoughts.

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OK I know i do. I just need time.

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Oh to hell with words. Lemme just cry."

                              The End.

No, it’s not a story or whatever. It’s just random thoughts based on what i felt today that went through my mind. Everyone’s got issues n clearly, i have to get over some. I don’t know what’s happened but something’s definitely triggered my "i thought ‘controlled (or so)’" thoughts today. And I’m not blaming it on anybody. Sometimes Allah just wants to give a pat on my back n remind me that I’m human after all n that i do, n can, get hurt. He’s in control no matter how i want to think i own my life. Because i don’t. I’m just here for awhile. I’m a ‘temporary’. We all are. No point being angkuh, arrogant towards life n think U own the world, u own ur life. U own it because ur in your body n nothing more than that. Nothing. N ur body doesn’t last forever, it doesn’t. When ur soul’s still living, when u can think, when u function n still hv ur body, u own only an itsy bitsy teeny weeny part of the whole system. U own only a PARTIAL part of it for AWHILE. Thus, U make the most of life WHEN ur still alive n have that body of yours. Cuz heck, once it’s in the grave u ain’t goin nowhere else honey. Sometimes i don’t know what i’m compelled to do in this world. Whether i should please myself or others. What’s right. Or what’s wrong. N it’s nice to cry once in a while………….. But when i do, i wish emotions wouldn’t take me over. It makes me feel weak n perturbed. Distant. Hollowed. Bruised.

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I’ve allowed myself to show others my weakness now. I dare do so. I’ve exposed my troubled mind. There’s nothing to hide…or be embarassed about. U might react like, "OH!" It’s not a mere facade when I’m with u ppl. It’s me, truly. It’s just that sometimes i think it’s not worth burdening others for what u hv to tanggung for yourself. Oh honey, i’m not made of steel.

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I’m Just ….Hannah.

Its has been a while. oH yes, it has. Maybe cuz i’m still on cloud 9 after the trip. Heck, Selai Endau Rompin is absolutely GOR-GEOUS. Just fantastic, really. Wonderful. Beautiful. Amazing. Those 5 days were the most fulfilling days of my life. (Beats hugging n getting chester’s autograph-really) I’ve never felt so in tune with myself, so problem-free, so indolent…… *pauses*……i had no worries on my mind, no qualms, whatever. I dissipated into another world, i left out all my responsibilities n priorities. I just felt so peaceful. So at ease. So comfortable. Never once did i thought of classes, my past, friends or ANYTHING for that matter. Just me n God’s grace.

I met a lot of wonderful ppl n got myself another set of ‘parents’. N u wouldn’t believe it, but my bapak angkat’s an orang asli wei. lol. Can imagine him waking me up at freakin 5 am to cook for him just cuz i told him i could? tsk tsk.

But they’re amazing, truly. I’ve never met such worry-less, amusing, contented, just………happy ppl in my life. Makes me feel like i’ve missed so much on the quality on ‘life’ itself. They say that most ppl only realize n feel the contentment of living when they’re on a rocking chair. True.

The South Africans were alrite though, pretty bratty if i could add. Rich kids. Not that open minded when it comes to food. (Since we eat a LOT of rice) They could live with coke in the jungle. Just give them that n they’re more than happy to make you their temporary best friend. Seriously. But some of them r absolutely wonderful, like Zahraa, that tiny 9-year old girl u c in my primary pic. She adoringly lovable n the most manja-ed girl i’ve ever met. Tp pandai pulak. Mulut budak kechik2 kat sana tuh….amboi…bukan main lagi kalau nak hentam org eh. Her 4 year old brother’s real adorable. Hussein. But that’s where the good part ends. His MOUTH. aiyoyoo….dei…mcm tgh ckp dgn org tua pulak. Tsk tsk. *shakes head*

N the most intriguing part is, i slept under the stars. It’s getting lighter night-time now, if u guys realized, cuz the moon’s out. N it’s like whenever i open my eyes i can c the stars n the gorgeous moon. It’s an open air hut right beside the river. Directly beside it. I slept to the sounds of the river every night……. I seriously couldn’t ask for more, i’d be a selfish beast if i were to do so. It’s….okay, this is gonna sound damn corny but the only word i can use to describe this would be ‘undescribable’. N THAT would be an understatement. No, i’m not exaggerating. The river’s actually CLEAN PPL, clean! (As opposed to our disgustingly, contaminated, full-of-shit Klang river we hv here. The ‘life’ in it DIES or chokes to death ATTEMPTING to make a living in there!) N u can c loadz of fishies in it. When u sit on the log beside the river n just rendam ur feet in it, u’ll feel the fishes tickling your feet. Oh its wonderful. *smiles* Waseela started drawing n all i could do was to serap all the sights n sounds whenever im not busy chasing the kids around from playing in the water all the time. N of course, i mandi sungai everyday lar… ;D Whoa, damn SYIOK man!

The water, it’s divine ppl, just DIVINE.

I felt the difference you know, of being there n coming back here. City life n ppl in the forest. You’d KNOW who’s happier. You’d realize instantly who’s more comfortable, contented, at peace. You’d look at them enviously for leading such a carefree, simple life n seriously, they don’t NEED money. Such simple-minded ppl. In a good way, of course. The hv everything naturally, for free. We were really deep in, had to use a couple of 4-by-4’s to go in. Rough journey, passed 5 kampung orang asli’s just to get to the place. But oh, was it worth it! The moment i stepped in Malacca though, (they wanted to do some sight-seeing-n shopping of course) i felt the pressure, the tensed atmosphere. The hubbub of the city, the noise, the….absence of tranquility. Ugh, it was so uber-yucky. Sungguh tidak men-desirable-kan. So it was then n there itself that i thought, "Heck, these dudes n morons that go on chasing wealth n so-called ‘comfort’ r pretty sesat weih. Kesian." Not that im discouraging u to do so. But….well i wouldn’t know how to explain it but try getting away from all things ‘fake’ for awhile. U know, no hps, i-Pods, laptops for a day, just u n God’s natural, most original works. The clean air ppl, i could BREATH without covering my nose. (ok, that was exaggeration=:D)

N no, that uPapa machine or the other one-where u sit on it n u go tumbling or rather, try to stay in place when it juggles u on the chair, that horse thingy- won’t make u slim down. Try jungle trekking. (The thingy that juggles u makes u look like an arsed-perv anyway. It just looks DISGUSTING.)

"I’ve yet to read an obituary that says, "He died peacefully in his sleep surrounded by his lawyer, his stockbroker and his accountant."

I got a couple of leech bites of course, but it sucked out all my dirty blood anyway. N i played in the rain. Did night walking. Walk-about in the kampung orang asli. Fresh-water survey. N loadz of other stuff. Besides Endau Rompin we were at Ulu Gombak n Kuala Selangor too. Batu Caves n saw the fireflies. Beautiful.

Selai-it’s just an Intensely Personal Experience. I’m definitely going back there one day.

"The paradox of our wired world is that as we become more connected electronically, we become less connected emotionally."

The others were just pretty inadvertent bout the whole thing. Some of them couldn’t wait to get back to their 5-star hotels. They were seriously out of their comfort zones n were obviously uncomfortable about it. N in that short 1 hour period of time we stopped by Malacca, Mohammad Yassin got his ears pierced, Waseela bought this whole set of hair curlers, straightener-whatever style u wanna do with your hair lar, Khadijah n some other girls got heels n clothes. Even Zahraa got herself a pair of jeans. Oh God, i didn’t do any shopping just layaning n translating around for them. tsk tsk.

BUT alhamdullilah, they DID realize n sort of felt good being around so much natural greenary *aaamin*. We were on the way out from the jungle n everyone was playing about with the radio in the jeep, which connects to the other jeeps n suddenly, i heard Mohammad Yassin’s, Mansur’s n Mohammad Amin’s voice thanking their Muallimah’s for taking them to this trip for they Did learn to appreciate what they’ve got back in South Africa. N -this thing really touched my heart- they started to say the al-Fatihah together, doa-ed, n did the zik’r dgn nama2 Allah. I actually teared. Like hey, these dudes aren’t so bad after all. Bratty they may be, mischievious, rude n bloody irritating even, but heck, they’re good ppl.

Then again…maybe God’s leaving that for us, to find peace once we’re successful n got tired of the current state of this already messed-up world. U know, go through all this bullshit nonsence before we get the best n to really treasure Allah’s creations. I’m doing that now, but at the same time, gotta hit myself with a reality check once in a while that somehow, i’m a ‘budak bandar’ n i gotta earn a living wei! I’ve got a family to look after, studies to finish up, help the unfortunate with all i hv, stand up for my rights in this fucked up world before i really get in tune with nature. Sigh. Can’t wait.

N some of u guys might notice that when i mention names in here, i state out their full name. That’s because in Pittoria, the Muslim community there do mention their full names in the correct manner n pronunciation. Unlike our Malays here, when Azlan becomes ‘Lan’ n Batrisyah becomes ‘Bat’ or ‘Isyah’ or something like that. I find it ridiculous. Most of our names has a meaning behind it n i’m quite, quite sure there’s no meaning for ‘Ika’. My parents call me n my sibs by our full name. N they dun call me ‘Hannah’, but ‘Nur Hannah’. I mean, ‘Hannah’s’ fine, but when it comes to ‘Han’ or ‘Nah’, that’s just crap wei. I just tend to buat bodoh. Isn’t ‘Hannah’ short enough already?

Anyway it’s been a long post. My eyes are already halfway down to Slumberland. Chester has adoringly beaut eyes. (n he smells nice)hahah.

"Where the forbidding becomes beautiful"