THE bum’s hEre

Oof. Something must be wrong today. The world isn’t aligned to the way my mind works. Or maybe I’m just seeing cicak kobeng’s wherever i go. I’m sure my contact lenses r in the right place. I didn’t switch them, that’s for sure…………………(I think). But whatever it is, something MUST be wrong. I was entertaining myself to a game of solitaire (it makes me happy) n well, i lost 6 games in a row.

N weih, I’m the champion of all champions in SOLITAIRE WEIH!

U know sometimes u got that feeling, instinct, naluri or whatever term u call it that today’s not gonna be a very ‘fulfilling, happy, puas-ed no matter how hard u try’ day for u? U know they say optimists (fyi: I do, regard myself as one, Don’t bloody snicker ppl, it’s just plain rude) r ppl who r constantly in a state of denial n ok lar, a bit of truth in it, but ignorance in a bliss n blah blah blah. Too much idioms kill wei, u hv so much to choose on which to abide by it. It makes me go crazy. I think i’ll die contemplating ‘My life’. tsk. But sometimes reality DOES sink in n I felt something inside me trigger this morning. Like u know, a conscience button that just literally banged itself on my jantung’s tulang rusuk "BANG!BANG!BANG!" gitu.

nasib baik tak dapat heart attack.

Anyway blame it on the PMS (don’t we ladies ALWAYS use that advantage as an excuse? hahaha…it’s true. like i mean, Seriously). N nowadays i hv this urge to strip naked n stand on the padang in front of my house singing ‘All My Life’, KC and Jo jo. U know all those soulful RnB’s that makes u smile like a dopey sheep when ur in love N at the same time makes u wanna puke ur insides out when ur single n bitter. Well I’m neither. If (eventually) diagnosed, plz tell me what it means when u feel like doing so. I know it’s not normal. (chorus of *DUH*) My ingenius mind has yet to form its conclusion on these sorta things. I’m just too busy.

N i find myself getting lost in thoughts nowadays. Literally, it’s killing me. Don’t be surprised if u catch me glassy-eyed, staring at the dude with blue hair (cuz really, i’m not staring at him, i’m just lost in thoughts). Bodoh-ly enough, i won’t be able to remember what goes through my mind. N probably the next ten mins or so I’ll be staring at the woman with a huge paunch. Eh, dude. Kalau woman tu pregnant lar. But u know i mean, that’s the case with me these days.

Lol, i think i need to see a therapist. And to think I’m doing psychology for life. I really think the ‘reverse psychology’s working on me now, i’m turning into a psychopathic patient myself.

Hannah…hannah….

Which reminds me, I’m gonna be a brand. Yep, my name . *grins cockily*. Seems it has commercial value in it, according to papa. So now, I’m  plaque. Dad does this plaque business for uni’s n alhamdullilah, it’s doing pretty good. Check out the bag.

Ok that came out tiny. Lol. N it’s just the artwork, not the bag itself.

Karyn White’s ‘Superwoman’ is good.

U know what’s the effect of the government doing’s, forcing us to at least take ten some-yg-memang-tidak-munasabah subjects like EST? Pythogoras was able to formulate his theorem because Gandhi’s doctrine of a civil disobedience keeps King Thibaw of Burma busy in the states. Does it make sense? Exactly. My Point.

N we only go to school for half a day. Ten subjects. Half a day. N i haven’t even mentioned P.E n all that crap. Do u seriously THINK that what u teach, (or attempt to) can get adjusted right in our mind for half an hours to fourty mins lesson? Then the next teacher comes in n *POOF*, persamaan kuadratik’s gone n we dissipate to a new world of Plato n Socrates.

Memang tidak masuk akal langsung. Hah, literally pun memang tak BOLEH nak masuk akal.

So i hv decided that when i marry the future prime minister of malaysia, i will also become the ministry of education. Hell, we’ve got a LOT of systematic editing to do here. *shakes head, tut tut*.

Starbucks is good. I’ve been spending half my life there rotting with a hot grande caramel macchiato in my hands n a good book. Robin Sharma, omg, u guys should read it wei. As what Aure would say, ‘genius’s work’. He makes ppl sound stupid. Like we’re retarded or something. God, he knows how to LIVE. PLUS, he’s BALD. oooooh…..hotness….

He’s divorced btw, turning 40 soooo……..yeah. Eh, he likes Starbucks too u know.

But …*nervous laugh*..i HV been looking a bit on the UP- size lately. I think i’ve been consuming too much creme. So now i’ve switched to umm….hot chocolate. or Frupps. hahaha. Aiyah, olang kata idup mau senang, itu pelut pun senang maah…..

Oh yeah, another thing. (tak abis abis lar hannah oii..) I hv this other urge. Weird instances for me to swear. Sometimes i just feel like going….ok, get ready.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Like, that u know. No, not the way Russel Peter says it. *HEE-HAAAW* *rolls on the floor laughing* But the one where u stress out ur vowels, real thoroughly. N after i say it under my breath, I’ll feel like a newborn baby.

hahaha…..

Maybe i should practise voodoo or something. *nyehehehehe*

Anyway do hv a great day. I hv yet to take my shower n i stink worse than an old leftover combat boot that’s been sat by a cow that just farted.

*fuh*

I’m happy. I’m really, really happy today (even though papa woke me up at 8 by yelling from downstairs). *hmph* . Gary came over last night to discuss the programme n details I was about to be going through when fascilitating a programme in Endau Rompin. *AWESOME-NESS!!!* I haven’t been in touch with nature for quite a while n truth be told, i miss it like hell wei. The last trip was under Earthwatch 2 years ago. Check out the site, i had an incredible time catching bats in the middle of the night in Krau. http://earthbound3.earthwatch.org/

Even though this trip will be ten times more comfortable n undulating if compared to the ones i went before, nevertheless, i would take my time n embrace Mother Nature as much as i possibly could. For God knows when I’ll be able to do this again.

The participants are from Al-Ghazali College from South Africa, age ranging from high school to college students to the odd one or two parents who r so extremely over-enthusiastic (lol) about the programme they decided to tag along. No doubt, i hv a feeling it’ll be a highly interesting programme for this bunch of people. It’s a Tropical Ecology Field Course to Malaysia 25 March-1 April. Well that’s what it says on the itinerary. Hahaha…Insya-Allah it WILL turn out that way.

It says so much on the programme, ’so very the many’ fun-sounding, interesting activities but i think i’ll elaborate more in it AFTER it ends. Then i can bagi tau all my experiences one shot. THEN only Syiok!

I started being really in tune with all these environmental awareness issues when i met Gary. He’s an awesome dude, i got to know him for 9 years already, since i was a lil puny kid of 9. When he was a bujang, till he got married with two adorable offsprings now. In a way i got to know him when my family migrated to M’sia lar. If i were to still be in Singapore, i wouldn’t give a rats- ass about the current environment issues we’re facing. I mean, 99% of the country is spreaded with a cemented jungle. Seems to me lar. What do THEY know about nature n environment? They’re building up skyscrapers n mega-tech building after building. I mean, my gramps’s flat over there gets a new coat of paint every 5 years! Good thing really, it makes everything looks new cuz the flat is almost 20 years old, but now they’re adding extra lifts, and an extra space for old timers under the flats. Tempat org tua2 dok sembang ah…lengkap dgn couch, tv, rocking chair, player sume tau.

They just would Not stop building everything! I mean, i came back here for awhile n two weeks later when i return, there’s a rotten office under the flat that looks more like a cell for it’s workers. Tsk. SO uber-ugly. They hv shades to connect the flats together, even though they’re what, 5 meters apart? All my sibs n i could mutter was, "Pampered Singaporeans…" Tak sedar pulak we were once like that. hahaha..*smiles nervously*

N the only green things? Oh, of course the hv trees lined beside the pavement but u can’t even look up expecting to see the sun, lemme tell u THAT. Oh, n my gramps DO plant plants, so that kinda helps.

So in a way i’m extremely fortunate i was some sort ‘forced’ to come n live here. I didn’t like it at first, so did my other siblings. N us that time, even though only a mere 4,6,8 n 10 year old sombong Singaporeans we were, we did sort of ‘looked down’ at our neighbouring country. Initially, yes. I admit that. I mean, u guys actually hv the SAME type of uniforms? An ugly blue, i must say. (I ended up wearing it also, was at a government school for half my sec education) Over there, each school has it’s own uniforms to represent diff school. The whole family was at one point a stuck-up kiasu singaporean. Typical.

But then..like every other ’stuck-up sombong-fied kiasu tak abis-abis’ Singaporean who migrated to M’sia…heyyy…it’s not so bad after all. We settled down, got used to it, loved it in fact. Boleh tahan. Lagi best. Singapore slang all gone, i don’t use "bedek" anymore, (which is tipu here), or lines like.."kenchang seyyyh.." or "gerek seyhh.." Goodness, our BM vocab there is terrible! :/ I remember using "cantik" there for everything whereas here, I’m proud to say i’ve expanded it thoroughly! Now there’s "lawa", "comel", "anggun", "ayu" n all that lar. *sooooo proud of yourself lar, hannah*

I’m not here to, u know, put in a few bad words bout my hometown, but i think i’m old enough to evaluate what is good n what is bad. There r some instances, some antics, some etiquettes, some comments n ‘deed’s done by the government that i do not agree on. I’ve been living here for 9 years, 8 years over there. Sort of half my life here n there. But what do i know when I’m only 8 right, u might say. Well i go back really frequently, practically every month as gramps’s n relatives r mostly there. So i sorta know what’s going on in the country, has seen it’s changes, the people n all. They’re so Americanized that when i saw it’s tagline "Uniquely Singapore" all i could do was laugh in a silenced cab out of irony. I mean, we don’t even know out ROOTS for God’s sakes, ur talking about UNIQUENESS?! *snorts*

I’m being mean, Oh God, i hope no one from the government reads this. Aiyah, what are the odds lar, it’s friendster. But overall, I don’t really criticize my country ‘kao kao’, I do agree that Malaysia has a LOT to learn from it. Service-wise, cleanliness (no doubt), professionality, facility, the cekap-ness, the promptness, practicality. C’mon, we’re still so bloody lembap, i get irritated at this country COUNTLESS times. But I’ve sort of gotten used to the style, I just shake my head n sigh n sigh n sigh again (like other woeful, pityful Malaysians. We hv to go thru this.) when the train stops abruptly or when the dude from driving test centre FORGETS to bring his bloody IC in order to log in to the comp for us to use. Not to the fact he came LATE in the first place. I mean, what the fuck? We’re ALL supposed to wait for HIM when WE’RE taking the bloody test? FOOL.

Tak sedar- sedar, it’s seriously giving a bad impression to other countries u know. I should know. My kiasu-ness as a Singaporean can trigger anytime n i start complaining like an amah at a market there. Sheesh. Seriously.

Like Pak Lah said, we’re in a country that gives world-class facilities with ppl that has a third-class mind.

Look, there are so many issues we hv to settle here, n i know, some of u after reading this hv PLENTY to say against what i’ve written, for i know that the ppl here somehow sort of look up to Singapore , especially the chinese. Yes, the chinese like practicality, fast-paced work, n all that Malaysia has yet to produce but i think we should all support our country. Instead of complaining, y not try change it. "aiyoh, olang melayu itu manyak lembap ah, gua tadak tahan. lu tengok it singapo, suma ada, service manyak bagus."

Some of u might think i’m contradicting myself when i say "support your country." You’d all think, "There, u only support Malaysia for what, olang asing." The thing is ppl, i’ve grown up here, the country has given me so much. I got my half of my primary education here, my full secondary education here, n currently am doing a dip course here. I represented M’sia at an International Children’s Conference in Eastbourne when i was 11, for the environment. I grew up here. N i want to give it all back, for i think it wouldn’t be fair for me to go back to Singapore to work. I’d feel bad. I hv been molded into a sort of Malaysian ppl, but remember this, i DO NOT forget my roots.

I still raya over there, i love the double busses (the double decker ones n also what we call, ‘the long long’ bus). The EZLink (similar to TouchN Go), everything’s made easy over there. It’s great, but i think the ppl there hardly ever slow down a little to just recap what’s been going on with their lives. The average S’porean changes his hp every 6 months, can u believe that? They’re such a controlled community, that when they hv concerts, it’s like "R U HAAAVING FUUUUUUUUUUN?!?!?!" reply : "YYYEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" -then abrupt silence.

My expression says everything. It was a mixture of bemused, wonderment, shock, n depressing at the same time.

I mean, C’MON! let GO ppl! No wonder Muse garnered so MUCH more attention here, im proud to say M’sians do know how to hv fun We dun give two cents bout what other ppl think, yet we still keep our etika2 negara at heart.

So i guess i’m a bit of cili padi dgn belacan. All campur-ed. N I decided to make full use of everything. Take the best of both worlds only, the buruk2 part all tak pandang. Its the same thing with schools, i’ve been to 6 diff schools up to my high school life n i’ve seen diff ppl with diff perceptions, the lawak bodohs, the attention-seekers, the melayu2 kind, the ones who’s too big for their boots. It’s up to me just help myself with the best.

Now im just trying to walk my talk. Hehe.

Anyway ppl hv a good day. No fuss, it’s not all mere luck, now go strut your stuff.

Hugs.

Stop your tears from over-flowing

Don’t, for once think of the past as the present.

Wipe those liquid crystals from your lashes

Don’t feel the need to ever be loved.

-

Stooped so low, you’d think, how possible

To garner solace and to feel needed.

Flashbacks that goes snap snap snap

You’d shake your heard in utmost ignorance.

-

Didn’t happen, no, was it just dreams?

Or is the ignorance of the past too real

Does it hurt that bad, does it knife your senses?

Do you really think it’s worth half your attention?

-

Erase the heartbeat you have had for him

The throbbing pain of your consciousness shall fade away.

Doubt no more, my dear, for you will

Be the woman that heeds no pain.

-

This is just…thingies that came out from my mind. I still prefer ‘My pretty Butterfly’ from the earlier post though. N i misplaced both of my book of poems. So bear with me if the poems r a bit karat-ed.

It was overall not such a bad birthday for me I had a wonderful time giving out flowers to the ppl i love. Just to remind them i appreciate them. N i feel good. Was even surprised when ppl from form 1 tuition remembered to wish me. Like, awww….so schweet. Sashi though, on the other hand, was going on n on n on bout him being the first to wish me. Actually it was what, 2 mins before 12 n i was watching Batista kicking Kennedy’s ass, he called. Tsk. *kacau only* It’s alright though, Batista won *He has SUCH cute buns*. I think he’s gonna wrestle against Undertaker next week. N i sorta support Undertaker. He’s a legend. (dgn penuh gayanya :P) Ok, yeah, anyway. As i was saying. Sashi menganggap dirinya sgt special kepada hannah although i never did utter a WORD bout it. Just because he’s the first. I mean, GROW up dude. U know i love u. Just don’t spoil the moment already!

Oh yeah, he was the last to wish me too at the end of the say. At precisely 12 midnight. N yes, he felt Xtra special.

So cute lar.

Anyway i’d like to thank everybody who wished me. N also the surprise birthday cake from waipz n arlina n fei ling. I absolutely love u gorgeous Miss Worlds. N it was also thoughtful for them to buy a birthday cake that rhymes with my name. *_*. Banana Choc. Balram got a proposal from me at a Petronas station beside Tesco n i hv a feeling he won’t ever go there again. :/. lol. I just held out the flowers for him n "OI!!Will you maaaaaaarry me?!" He covered his face wei, mangkuk. haha..u should be flattered dude, i dun do this to everyone i love.

N ppl, go to Waipz’s weird cafe. SamcorLucks. (Izzit even spelled correctly?) Means something like 3 6’s which means 666 which i thought represents a bad omen or something. But whatever. The food’s damn sedap. I ate so much my tummy ache lasted for three hours. N if i hadn’t known better, i’d thought that the cafe had a sort of policy to only take ppl who’re chinese, wears glasses n r tall n somewhat thin. Seriously. 90% of the ppl working there r like THAT. I couldn’t differenciate who was who. Apparently there was a malay guy but when arlina pointed it out to me, i was like, "He looks like the rest." It’s weird but funny. Lolz. I had a good time though.

To those who didn’t get their flowers from me, (sashi, cal, pratap, aarati, san, shermaine, yean, nic) of course i still do love u ppl. like mad. It’s just hard to get hold of u busy busy monsters. hmph.  (psst, Trev, ur imaginary flower’s on the way to London).

N thanx to arlina for the pictures, mama for the book, shermaine for the ear-rings n all those weird weird stuff u gave from bangkok, n the angpau card, n the bookmark, waipz, arlina, fei ling for the cake n the fun time at your weird orange cafe, irwin for the lovely yet not understandable song (it’s in jap, called 9th march. I was like, haaa?) pratap for the extremely sweet birthday song, n to everyone who wished me pukul 12 malam, 1 pagi, 2.30 pagi, 4 lebih pagi pun ada. It really did kacau-ed my sleep but that’s alrite, i ended up smiling anyway.

N to jivan, ur still one big ass n i hate u. No, wishing me twice n sending me all those sweet sweet messages didn’t work. Find out another way for me to forgive u. Hmph.

I am extremely unforgivable ppl, lemme tell u that.

Anyway, I’ll be off to Jusco now n another mamak session at BC. Time to put on weight. Loves.

It’s International Woman’s Day today. I’ve always been this dithyrambic fan of "Girl Power" thingy since i discovered i could use my head to think. Serious. Check out my e-mail, gurlz_no1@hotmail.com. N i made this account when i was std 5 i think. 11 years old. I’m still damn semangat-ed bout it till today. (Vanessa laughed at it when i told her my account. takpe…takpe…). Anyway, the point is, I’d like to wish all the ‘kaum Hawa’ in this world a Happy International Woman’s Day cuz we shouldn’t ever let ourselves be discriminated by the male, ‘dominant’ factor in the society out there.

I initially planned to blog in something nice n amusing but i my friend’s grandmother passed away yesterday. N so it would just be wrong to act all happy n that everything’s alrite. "Grandmother?!" U might exclaim. I was close to her, you see. I used to come by his house on alternate weekends to study n she has sort of placed a rather significant feeling of ease n fondness in my heart. She’s a real darling n i loved her. The visits slowed down a little when the relationship with that dude didn’t work out (Yes, we were together), but somehow, i’d always pay a visit whenever i’m around the area. (It’s ok if u don’t see ur ex, but somehow it’s just rude when u ignore the rest of the family members that somehow u had grown rather fond of n perhaps, vice-versa). I got in touch with his elder sister n she’d update me on auntie’s well-being. We had a sort of bond, one that can’t be seen with the naked eye. A non-verbal bond, towards the end. (It takes so much out of her to utter a word). She would remember me whenever i drop by. ‘Ana’, she calls me. Silent ‘H’. Not as in, en-na, like tha mat salleh style, but a-na.

Its was around two years ago when i first saw her. She was sitting on her usual place on the left side of the couch, her arms placed precariously by the kakak on the arm rest n both her legs propped up on a comfortable leg stool. Her hair was growing white on the head but downwards it was all pretty much a darker shade. She could still open both of her eyes then, n she nodded in assurance as soon as i give my salams. She was a beautiful woman, one could see it behind those wrinkles that tells the story of old age. She smiled a little. She has a lovely smile, a small grin, rather. N of course lar, that time all i could think was making a good impression to the family. *smiles*… Her words were still clear then, n she’d ask all sorts of ques. School, parents, future n all that. I’d answer in a (hopefully) polite way n most of her response were ‘nods’. Usually after that i’d comment about the weather n all things yang tidak berkenaan langsung. *sigh* Thank God she didn’t find me weird. She liked me a little, i think.

She got admitted to the hospital for awhile n after discharged, she spent most of her days in bed. She hardly talks, doesn’t want to eat. Walking alone was out of the que, kakak (the maid) was always by her side in case anything happens. I bought her a bouquet of yellow roses. I think she didn’t know.

I’d spent my time in her room whenever i drop by and attempt to chat up with her, like old friends dulu-dulu. She used to make us laugh with her cute cute karenah, but hardly has the energy to do that anymore. On one of my last few visits when i was lying on kakak’s bed, i noticed a black n white picture of her family on a table at the foot of her bed. Auntie Sarah looks like her (my friend’s mom). N there was a single picture of her n a slightly hazy photo of her late husband. It was there n then, i really don’t know y, that i felt really comfortable in her presence, like as if she was my own grandmother n asked her about her family even though she’d just nod or reply another matter altogether. I find a lot of humour in her, I’m sure she was a wonderful person in her younger days. It’s sad, but I was happy she remembered me One senario was as such that she said she’ll eat if i ’suap’ her. "You come buy food for me next time then suap me. I’ll eat." In her Indian lingo of hers. I couldn’t help laughing. I told her i would, the next time i come to visit her. I kissed her on her forehead before i left.

There was no next time though.

My friend msged me to visit gramps if i could as she was waiting for her time. I was subdued for a moment, i received his msg on Sunday. I was around the area on Monday, but didn’t go for some really stupid, pathetic reason. I just didn’t feel too good. So i planned to drop by on Wednesday evening. Which was yesterday…. N it stayed on to be just mere plans.

Fate decided to take a turn and work it’s wonders. She left her beloved family n friends at somewhere around 10.30am on the 7th March 2007.

I was a lil too late. She went back to Him in the morning. I couldn’t help but teared up when i heard of her demise. I lost a dear friend of mine, a friend, n a grandmother.

As Shameer said, her demise is a huge loss to us.

It might seem weird for an ex-gf to be attached with her ex’s grandmother but i’m proud i did get to know a such wonderful person. She was an awesome grandmother, down-to-earth, n she did approve of me being with her grandson that time. She called me his ‘Bini’ (wife). I told u she’s a riot

I’m gonna miss her light sense of humour.

Rest in Peace Auntie.