THE bum’s hEre

This blog will inadvertantly be about, me. Yes well, i know all blogs r SUPPOSED to be about it’s writer n his current thoughts n all that, but this time, I’ll write about myself. For i was a different individual back when i tgh terkedek-kedek in pampers (budak-budak Mat Yoyo kat s’pore dulu :D) n it’s FOR me so u all dun really hv to waste ur precious ten mins for all i care. Because this will be a sort of ‘rujukan’ for me when i get older. I like to keep an update for myself every now n then. I even hv a book (n a notebook, come to think of it) full of my thoughts, pictures, squiggles, poems, anything that comes to mind at that point of time, n i dun keep it neat because that’s, well, me. N when i grow old n perhaps have rheumatism in my knees, i’ll log on to Friendster (when i’m not diagnosed with arthritis, hopefully) n see what nonsensical thoughts went thru my unruly mind back when i was radical, rebellious, in-my-own world of ‘beautiful’ 17++. Or if bending down n turning on the comp’ turns out to be a burden for my achy back (then), i’ll just grab my green ‘GRACE’ book n see what ‘lovely’ poems spurts out from my unintelligible mind. Aah…now THAT’ll, be nice. Who knows, maybe I’ll share them with my cucu-cicit. "Haah…tengok ni, zaman nenek dulu- dulu kita suka TULIS. Budak2 zaman skarang ni cuma "KLIK KLIK” aja, hah, abistu sume dapat. Kita ada PEN, PENSEL, dan KERTAS. Nih, ni, skarang nja cuba tunjuk nenek ni, apa benda bulat2 tu, ‘bling bling’ tu, kat tangan nja."

Wahseh, i like to think far wei.

OK, but enough bout that. (as usual i ALWAYS run out of topic. Too many things run thru my mind at just one point of a time, it’s so hard to get hold of one thing by itself) Yes, well, so here it is. ME. Oh btw, u can correct me if u dun agree with whatever i write about my gorgeous self, cuz there’s a saying from somewhere from some ol’ dude that goes like this. ”U’r 1% of what u think of yourself, n 99% of what others think of u." Something like that. Or the other way round. I hv yet to find out whether it is true or likewise, but then again, maybe i can find out thru this apparent blog. *smiles*

Anyway, ME. (finally!-I hear a chorus somewhere in the background. tsk) According to myself, i hv matured, n blossomed into a woman. (According to MYSELF lar kan) Well, not like boobs’ve grown or anything, but i notice that i tend to not use the word ‘I’ anymore. Hv i changed into a selfless human being? Maybe. I care about others n i hv compassion for those who aren’t at the cite of fairness if put on the line to be judged. I detest assumptions n conclusions with baseless information. Lets just say i really do not like u ‘big big’ ppl thinking the world is in ur hands, n ”Omg, they’re poor n they hv 10 children? How stupid is that. Maybe they don’t hv sex education back then." That kinda retort puts me off real mad. Dude, maybe they’re happier that way. Maybe they’re more in tune with nature n closer to God, n ur just as close to that tight girdle ur wearing to look simply skinny. If u don’t know the reason they y they hv 10 children, plz, shut ur fucking mouth up. Do NOT scorn on the less fortunate, for at least they appreciate every miniscule possesion they hv, if compared to u, who threw away that 500 dollar dress u wore twice, because "The colour isn’t IN now." Think ppl, think.

Somehow, the world doesn’t revolve around me anymore. Not my problems, heck, they seem nano-’itsy bitsy teeny weeny’ compared to those who r constantly at war. When i eat, dress, laugh i think of the less-fortunate. Here we r, lying, manipulating, searching, chasing for success, n they’re there, fighting to survive for mere LIFE. Every single bloody day ppl, literally, for them. How could i be so callous to those looking for justice? WHAT r my LIFE problems compared to theirs? NOTHING. Simply said, i hv been a nasty, stingy, thoughtless, cruel bitch for the past years of my life. I’m not saying i do not know how to enjoy life, live like a teenager. I do laugh n giggle at juicy gossips, i hv wonderful, gorgeous friends who makes my life satisfying enough to be called a near heaven. I hv break-ups n emotional breakdowns n confusing statements made by weirdos for me to think for the day. I’m a teenager, it’s hard to get away from all that. But somehow, Hollywood isn’t all that big anymore. N it’s ok if my cheeks r a lil’ puffier than usual or that my teeth isn’t straight. It’s ok if i didn’t get that latest ‘limited edition’ Nike sneakers. (Heck, i dun even WEAR Nike, it’s just a figure of speech :P) N it’s ok if i get dumped from that guy who i called ‘love’. Somehow, it’s all not that important anymore.

Maybe u guys might say, ‘Hey, chill out lar, enjoy life now everyday, still young one.’ Well yes, that’s true n i do agree with that. I AM a teenager n now it’s MY time to hv it MY way n run MY life the way I want to…But like i said, it’s not ‘I’ anymore isn’t it? It’s not all about me. No more nonsence for me, not from anyone who jumps into conclusions, not even from my loved ones without any proof, without knowing the consequences if the person did otherwise or whether the situation permits it, in WHATEVER circumstances. Be it the ppl of the lower class, my family, the government, that dude that dresses poorly on the street, WHATEVER, that you look down upon n stick your already fat-ass nose in the air. That person has blessed goats’ dropping for a brain. He simply doesn’t THINK. Oh wait, he can’t. Goat’s droppings don’t work eh? *snicker*

I just simply do not adhere to immature ramblings. Ur a waste of time in my precious life. You hv absolutely no RIGHT at all to give ur two shits cuz guess what, no want wants to listen to that- oh, is that ur voice? All i hear is "YAKYAKYAKYAKITIYADAYADAYADA."

"Look in the mirror. Ur not so fantastic yourself."

I hv learnt to respect myself. NO one controls my life, except for me n for the moment, my parents. (I love them to bits) NO one’s ALLOWED to hurt me, unless i let them. U may try as hard, u may attempt ur best, but unless i let it get thru my consciousness, ur sure as hell wasting ur time. No man, no ‘friend’ no soul in this world can somehow put me under his/her control. Because i love myself. Yes, i love myself now. I’ve made many mistakes beforehand, putting others way too much above me, putting THEIR priorities right, making THEM happy, i hv ALLOWED them to take control n put me down under their shoes to step over on. Which is just so wrong isn’t it? N this isn’t about being selfish honey, its called accepting oneself graciously the way one is just the way God makes him.

The only ppl allowed to hurt me- my parents.

I’m much more independant lately, i don’t depend my feelings or emotions for the day according to the way my bf treats me (u utter one insult at me, I’ll chop ur balls of- if u hv any. Well, ok, not that bad lar, most i do is cut ur CK boxers when ur away or something) or just because i am forced to do something that i am reluctant to perform on behalf of my parents. Y make everything complicated? Buat je lar, nanti gaduh buat hal pulak. Asalkan bahagia. Dah penat layan emosi. Because i know that when i’m down, I’m not the only one feeling depressed. It affects my whole family. My friends. My relationship with them. I wouldn’t want to go for outings with them when i feel like shyt. I’d be a sort of loner, a puppet on strings, willing myself to my ‘master’ to do as he please. I hv my own piece of mind now, thank u very much, n i’ll make use of it to the Max

I’m closer to God, hopefully, as i want to be. I ask many questions on my religion now, i want to change for the better. Who wouldn’t? Ah, yes, the ppl who think they make the world go round. *snorts*. Just a short shoutout specially dedicated to u. PLZ help urself. I REALLY can’t HELP feeling sorry looking at all your stupid idiosyncracies to make urself believe ur awesome. *sigh*. nak praise to berpada- pada laah….

Look outside the box. If u notice, parents do that while, us, mind-numbing-oh-im-terrific teenagers sees it from the inside. We look at every itsy thing in detail, n hey, that’s a great, wonderful thing. But unfortunately, on the insidious things that aren’t important, no, sorry to say, not even 1%. It’s pathetic when u come to think of it, because i HV been one of those "ME! ME! ME!" sorta teens. "I’m depressed, pamper me, I’m crying (oh isn’t that sad), No one loves me, My parents ruin my life n i got dumped TWICE in a span of 6 months!" (OH my good Lord, i couldn’ve gagged to death hearing that-now)

So hv i grown ppl? I Would certainly like to think so I take it as a blessing from Allah who’s been there for every one of His ummah’s no matter what shithole they get themselves in to. I’ve made mistakes i thought i could never forgive myself, one of the lowest points a human could do to herself, but i’ve learnt to move on. No point dwelling on something that could never change, my life would be a waste-spacing piece of ’selipar terbakar’ then.

Someone once told me that if I want to help ppl, I should really help myself first. Feel good bout me being in my body, love myself unconditionally before i can learn to love others the same way. N i hv. It is now my time to help others who needs it more than any of us perfectly moleculed organs-all-there-soul-filling bodies, whatever. Stop having those self-pitying, "Oh-my-life-is-depressing-i-feel-moody-n-i-can’t-help-it" mode. It’s not doing any good to anyone, including urself isn’t it? You know that perfectly white n tame hands of yours? (tak pernah buat keje lar tuh) Look at it. Yeah. Feed someone for a day. Be it your mom or your grandmother (not your dog lar). It brightens up their day. Its means a whole lot to them although it might be the simplest of all gestures. Make others happy, see their smile grow, n you’ll realize a feeling so overwhelming in your inner self u can’t imagine how you could’ve missed out so many of the tiny, tiny beautiful things that can make u feel that u r important, needed in someone else’s life. It’s all gonna be worthwhile, darlin, we’d like to see u being natural n utterly gorgeous at the same time

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Yes, u look gorgeous when u make others feel gorgeous. U, n only u, control ur thoughts. N insya-Allah, perhaps God would give u a one way ticket to syurga Firdaus. *aaaaaaamiiiiiin*

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N Thank You, for reading this

U know, i’ll always get this mega-brilliant witty ideas on what to write for my next post like, prob in the bus, or walking to jusco, or maybe just while drinking coffee in Nyonya Colours but the problem is, the moment i click on ‘Create a Post,’ the idea justs…disappears. It’s flies to ‘Witty Ideas’ Land.

So bloody unfair. Maybe i should be like Roald Dahl u know. He jots down whatever genius idea he has at that moment (i mean, he IS Roald Dahl u know) on a notebook he carries around everywhere n ”vUALA!" A Masterpiece! n there u get stuff like Matilda n Danny The Champion of the world. Yes, i still do read children’s books now, particularly Mr Dahl’s. He’s a bleedin genius. I mean, my mom still reads his books.. She got me still ogling at his works when im 8 n now im 18. n i shall continue to wonder where he got that brain of his till 80. (insya-Allah, i’ll still be alive then. Hey, i don’t smoke.)

N oh yeah, i was just wondering, isn’t it funny that when one whispers, u get close to him to try n actually listen to every word he says? but when somebody’s yelling, ur just blocking it out, or rather, masuk telinga kanan, keluar telinga kiri. I wonder y….but at least now u know how to get ur partner’s attention kan ? when arguing, whisper. He might actually listen hard enough to whatever insult ur throwing at him.

Imagine this ok. This girl n her dude’s fighting n yelling each at the other end of the room. When they both shout nobody’s listening right, one trying to overpower the other. But when she starts muttering something rude under her breath, he’s just gonna scream, "WHAT DID U SAY?! I WAN’T U TO SAY THAT AGAIN RIGHT AT MY FACE! SAY IT U FUCKING BITCH!" ( I mean, IF he says that lar :P)

Macam…kelakar seram gitu, as nenek would say. ahaha! When u want to be heard, no one wants to hear u. But when u say something under ur breath, they wanna figure out what ur saying.

*aaaaaiiiihhhhh*…….. pelik kan manusia ni.

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U see, i’m still trying to remember what brilliant beyond brilliant ideas i had in my mind then. sigh…. the effects on being forgetful. yet i remember birthday’s though. i dunno y, i just tend to remember them even though i don’t want to. n i dun give birthday presents, im not really that kind of person. most i do, send a msg. or if i care for u a leeeeeel’ bit more, i’d get a slice of cake for u from Secret Recipe. BUT when i reeeeeeeeeeeally love love LUURVE u, i’d put my all into making, yes, i’d MAKE something really thoughtfull, n nice, n lovely. But that’s only for my gf’s. For guys, forget it. Most i cared for was Gab, n he got a cake from me. Even my bf won’t get anything from me. Kedekut ke tak kedekut?

Kedekut kan? Tapi belum kahwin, tak payahlar nak susah2. Kawans r more important. At least we KNOW they’re gonna be there for us forever kan. Bf’s nih, susah lar. As what i would usually say, ‘memafankan’. *Leceh*. That’s like, a mix of imbuhan me-, -kan n hokkien ‘mafan’. or Izzit canto? AH, same thing. The point is, there’s no point putting on so much effort for someone who u aren’t sure whether he’s gonna stay or go.

Eh, mcm touch n go. hehe.

Ok, im going nuts. Obviously witty ideas aren’t gonna come back from ‘Witty Ideas’ Land. If they’re even witty in the first place. *hmph*. Ok, this post is mainly crap, but what do u expect to get from someone whoz been in n out of the country in the time expand of 12 hours?

Penat oi..bontot kebas taaau…

Ah, im gonna get ready to go to mamak now. BC has the most yummeh-licious mamak food EVER. No kidding. The thought of mutton curry’s making me salivate already. *slurps*. n teh tarik.

*loooooong pause*….

Gawd, we’re such an unhealthy community. M’sians. Which means u, yes u *points at u, duh* n i. No way outta it. UN-H-E-A-L-T-H-Y. It’s like, we eat to die. Yalar, to get closer to high blood pressure, obesity, sakit jantung lar, then kaput, we go back to earth. literally. six feet underground.

hmmmm….

sounds scary.uhh….maybe i’ll cancel the mutton curry order.

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n the teh tarik.

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p.s: i SHALL be like MR Dahl!!

I’m 18. God, i’m 18. N my social life is gone, nada, kaput, boliao. poof. I’m gonna spend half my life associating, befriending, working, experimenting, communicating with kids. Autistic kids. N the next, be a good mother. Kids. Again.

DID U REALLY CHOOSE TO LEAD THIS LIFE HANNAH?!

(psst psst. it’s unkind, rueful, dangerous, selfish. N hello, debauchery’s ur game. so WHAT THE HECK DO U THINK UR DOING WOMAN?!)

Next time, think twice before making a decision. really folks.

Omg, it’s gonna squeeze out every nano-energy left in me at the end of the day.

*faints*

Nak layan budak kecik punya pasal, it’s not just physically exhausting but it takes so much more out of u. Its all bout being calm around them, trying to not burst out. Trying to stay SANE. It’s bout being PATIENT. (God woman, that’s the last vocab ANYONE would describe bout u. Including yourself. *rolls eyes*)

I just need to maintain one too many etiquettes in this line. One too many smiles, too many times being cheerful, acting like the world’s a stage where men n woman merely players/actor/liars/idiots/dolls with nuances of ’style’.

Am i nice or am i just super-gorgeously nice?

I’m nice.

All i wanted to do was help ppl. Not necessarily kids, but in the line that I’m about to pursue, that’s the majority of community that I’m gonna work on with, without much options available. Even when i DO hv adults in mind, initially u know. But well, adults can talk. Tsk. *hANNAH! i thought u knew that!*

Ok, bet u guys r wondering what I’m blabbing bout. It’s this. I’ve been taking care of my younger sister in the hospital for 5 days already, more than 12 hours everyday. N it’s just painfully, really menggeramingly tiring. N it’s because of my love for her is that she’s thankfully alive today. I mean, really. I could be a deranged, psychotic teenager that would be charged with child abuse, or even better, murder at any time of the day when they catch me choking her to her death.

Ok, im joking.

But yes, it is because of my ‘utmost’ kasih sayang that’s the reason i’ve been surprisingly gentle n nice to her. The one time she cried under my care was when they had to inject her butt. N the nurse was doing it. Hmph.

I fed her, clothed her, read to her, n coloured with her. Layan to her karenah, since she’s on drip n can’t do anything by herself. I even hv to pray beside the bed cuz she won’t allow me to go to the surau. She hates being alone. My parents were at work n mama only comes during the night just to sleep beside iman. I come the next morning, bright n early. Its like a job with shifts. I unfortunately, was presented with the one with more tedious tasks.

I never knew i had such patience. Maybe i was breathing in too much germifides n mind-molecule-arranging stinky bacterias in the ward that time. Maybe.

N news oh news. Im about to work. Yes, from my home. My ‘work’ consists of picking up two autistic kids from school who are sitting for their UPSR this year n take care of them till their mommy comes. Ah well, easy peasy dun u think? Lemme just gladly elaborate to u the meaning of ‘taking care’.

*ahem*clears throat*

Teaching them, helping them finish up their hw, clothe them, (I hope i dun hv to wash them, i mean, they’re 12! Washing them would just be…. unsightly. Even though they R autistic. Ok, i gotta ask their mom’s bout this. No WAY am i gonna wash them) Feed them. TWO BOYS.12. N im just 18.

Im not supposed to be washing 12-year-old’s asses when im 18! Or even clothe them for that matter!

Oh yeah, in addition to that, I’ll be doing tuitions at night.

Isn’t my life filled of fun-sounding activities?!!*says in unnaturally high pitched cheerful voice*

Helping ppl is one thing girl, just make sure u help yourself first. I just hope God gives me enough patience n strength to endure this.

Sacrificing my social life is one thing that i can still bear, just as long as these kids would learn how to talk n communicate properly like u and I someday. They crave to be normal. They crave to be like us. They crave to say ‘Hi!’ without drooling or with their mouth hanging open. They’d wanna c that incandescent light bulb at the end of the tunnel at the end of the day.

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So i guess it’s all worth it huh.

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I’m currently pursuing a Diploma in Learning Disorders Management and Child Psychology at the Linguistic Council. Classes r only every Saturday n my classmates r 40-year old (plus plus) women n maybe the odd one or two males.

Bear with the complaints. I can’t help feeling envious over those to leads their daily lives with their own peers while I’m handling special-needs kids during the week n menapausal women during the weekends.

N blame the heart n mind for wanting to be a Speech Therapist/Pathologist.

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Whispers to self: It’s worth it girl.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

I CAN’T DRIVE FOR NUTS! Weih, undang pun mcm tahi itik apa nak de-rive pulak……*bingung*. Im just gonna die tertiarap dgn punggung terangkat larh…:/

Actually i haven’t even taken the undang test. *_*. NO, im not exaggerating, cuz i DID do a sort of tryout in the office the day b4 yesterday… n i failed TERRIBLY. 35/50? What the-? Iman can do it with her eyes closed. Both of them. *sigh*.

N another thing. I don’t understand car language. Or driver’s language. Gear? Tekan minyak? Clutch? Why’s there so many numbers on the thingy beside your seat? *confused look*. My mulut was ternganga when in the lecture hall for the whole bloody 5 hours. I couldn’t understand what he was saying half the time…. Oh wait, i know what ‘break’ is though :D. That’s the MOST important thing i’ve learnt on that day for me. I’ve made my own ‘customized’ theory; when in any doubt, tekan break n rush out of the car. Or was it slow down first THEN tekan break? ……alah, same thing kan.

I guess my results on the ‘tryout’ stage was pretty bad. The lady behind the desk just lent me the CD straightaway n told me to practice doing it everyday. Gosh. Talk about embarassment. I still haven’t touched it though, till today. Reminded that if i was ok by sat, I’ll hv to go for the test on Monday. Sheesh. Mcm nak duduk SPM lagi sekali. Only worse. *worried look*

N anyway, i knew i was gonna be a bad driver since std 6. I was in this arcade that’s already long-gone in Sunway back then n was playing some sort of racing game. When done attempting to save myself from further self-inflicted ‘pain n horror’ (I lasted for bout 3 mins n was well, pretty much a dead chicken by the end of the stupid game), my aunt behind just looked at me n told straight to my unsurprisingly wind-swept face, "U’r never gonna pass ur driving test lar nana, im telling u."

Tular…kechik-kechik dah bagi tau negative statements. Tsk. Tidak tercapailah hasratku untuk menjadi driver wanita pertama millenia yang terhebat di dunia.

*_*. lol. stop laughing lar.

I had another ‘bad’ experience though when ‘hands’ were behind the steering wheel of the car. My bf, then, was driving n he had to pandang belakang to get something so he, silly enough, told me to hold to steering wheel from the passenger’s seat. I mean, secara logik lar eh, of course it’s hard to control from my side but at least i could try right. *God, i’m laughing to myself rekindling bout it.* But me, being the mangkuk the i am, held the steering wheel, yes, but ALSO pandang belakang. LOL. The damn car swerved sharply to the right n I received another well, ‘encouragement’ to heck, be the best driver in Klang, if not M’sia itself. *snorts*

Sigh…macam-macam lar..

The ultimate thing that’s stopping me from ever being behind the steering wheel? Accidents. The lecture i went to showed lots of gruesome pictures at the end n i was covering my eyes n ears (don’t ask) the whole time. I peeked n at once knew i was gonna regret it for life. A bloody picture of a guy stuck behind the driver’s seat from the dashboard, n his gf/fiance’s face half-gone. Bloodied. Not there. His future mother-in-law was dead behind her seat. He could just stare at her in shock n there n then i overheard that they’ve been together for 5 years. It was all i could do to not cry.

It was then that i made the decision to cancel all plans of ever being the "driver wanita pertama millenia yang terhebat di dunia." I mean, seriously.

But……..luck wasn’t on my side, as they would call it. PAPA WON’T LET ME! Aiyoyo…. so now here i am, again, trying to change my perception on driving, forcing myself to believe that heck, if Big Bird from Sesame Street can drive, so can I. That it’s ’sap sap sui’, no biggie, small matter, chicken feet, ‘alah….opah aku pun boleh bawak kereta tau’. Something like that kinda attitude.

Hate to break it to u darlin, but it’s NOT WORKING.

:/

The latest. My no.1 enemy…*says in Star Wars gory kinda tone*

So ppl, help this damsel in distress if u may. *puts hand on forehead. faints dramatically.*

And thou shalt be loved n remembered forever n ever..n ever…

P.S: Or dyu think i should tryout for plane license instead? How bout it? eh?

It’s cool when… u fancy a really good-lookin’ guy n he does to u too.

It sucks when… ur driving lecturer asked u out instead. *blank look*

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It’s cool when… ur walking around the toy store looking to get something for ur friend’s younger brother’s birthday.

It sucks when… a parent (father, in particular) asks whether ur getting a gift for your child. *stupid, stupid man*

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It’s cool when… ur right, n dad’s wrong once in a while.

It sucks when… u feel guilty about it :/

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It’s cool when… ur friends think that u look great!

It sucks when… ur mother thinks u need to lose 10 kilos. *_*

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It’s cool when… u get to the better side of Iman once in a while.

It sucks when… she sticks to u like glue the whole day.

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It’s cool when… everything’s alright between u n ur ex.

It sucks when… it reminds u that, HELLOOO? u still haven’t got Prince Charming from the train yet!

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It’s cool when… u only hv classes on Sat n the rest of they days to yourself.

It sucks when… u thought u could hv ur freedom for the whole week, Iman jumps in n ur back to being the maid again.

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It’s cool when… u get to do a diploma course u wanted to do so badly (Learning Disorders Management and Child Psychology), even though ur underaged for it!

Its even cooler when… ur doing it with ur super-smart MOM!